Turning Passion & Pain Into Purpose

My name is Siaba, i’m 28 years old and the founder of Boo.B.Smoothie. 
I first became pregnant at age 19 when I was in my second year of university. Mr B and I had been seeing each other on and off for about 8 months and then BAMM! I realized that I had not seen my period for a while (which was not strange because I had irregular periods.) So, just to be safe, I took a pregnancy test. He made it clear that he wasn’t ready to be a dad, and nor was I ready to be a mum. It still didn’t make the abortion any easier. Just before going into the operation room, I went on my knees and cried to God. I can’t even remember what I said. I just remember crying so hard and feeling so confused. I moaned for the baby  years after and was unable to come to terms with what happened. I fell into depression right after and gained a load of weight. Living away from home made it easy for my depression to go undetected. I guess I just grew out of it naturally.  After years of carrying the guilt around I went to see a therapist about the experience.  I Learned that I made a decision based on where I was and who I was at that time in my life and that it didn’t mean I would make the same decision again at a different time and age in my life. 

Fast forward to 2014, after a long term relationship some years earlier, I find myself in another casual relationship... This time with Mr D who I had been dating on and off for two years. On June 4th 2014, we found out I was pregnant. I was shocked but also excited. He was just shocked and depressed about the news. I didn’t understand why he was so unhappy about it. We were so close, almost like best friends (well so I thought ). Eventually he came around to the news by which point I was scared at the reality of becoming a mother but still excited.   That all changed when 3 days before I was due to give birth I found out he had been cheating on me the whole time we had dated. I’m talking from week 1!! My body went into shock due to the high level of stress I felt. I was 12 days over due with my son. The stress also affected my ability to make milk ( I found out later on from a lactation consultant). Nevertheless, I gave all that I could to adjusting to motherhood. Internally, however I was broken. BROKEN!!  As soon as I was alone I would cry, screamed into a pillow or just sleep hoping I would wake up and find out it was all just a bad dream. I just couldn’t make sense of it. The hurt consumed me, yet at the same time the joy of my son brought me peace. My feeling were so conflicted I felt like two different people. I kept my shit together when people were around because I didn’t want to worry my family and friends.   I felt tourn apart, but my innocent little baby didn’t know that. He just needed me to survive. Truth be told, I needed him even more.  I can honestly tell you that my son saved me. He gave me something to focus on, to wake up for and pull through each day. Adjusting to single parent life wasn’t difficult because I didn’t know anything else. It was just the way it was. 

The saying "every cloud has a silver lining" is definitely the case in this story. When I struggled to make breast milk my mum began feeding me certain African dishes and other foods that she had researched. Within a week of eating high volumes of the foods that my mum was feeding me, my milk supply picked up dramatically. I had so much milk I didn’t know what to do with it. It made me want to know more about the foods I had been eating and what made them so good for breastfeeding mothers. So my fascination grew the more I read and researched. It became a bit of an obsession, and it kept my mind away from the hurt and pain. Being able to breastfeed my son successfully built my confidence. It made me feel able and happy to see him grow so healthy and happy. I started using the ingredients known as Lactogenic ingredients to make smoothies because it was more convenient for me. When a friend of mine was experiencing low milk supply, I gave her a week supply of my lactation smoothies. After a week she called and said “what do you put in those smoothies? My boobs are engorged.  You should totally sell them to breastfeeding mothers”. The rest is history as they say. Boo.B.Smoothie is my second baby. I started this business with a £1000 tax rebate that came at the perfect time.

In one year,  i’ve gone from making and delivering fresh smoothies all over London, to now making and shipping powdered versions of the smoothies all over the world. My son and my business combined have given me all that I need to move on with my life. Am I still hurt? Yes!! Do I still cry at night? Not as much. Somehow I took all the hurt and pain of the last few years and channeled it into something good. I can’t explain the amazing feeling I feel when I receive messages and emails from women saying how the smoothies have helped them feed their babies and encouraged them to not give up. That’s the exact message I hope my story and Boo.B.Smoothie sends out. Don’t ever give up! Not on yourself or what you want.

It Takes a Village... My breastfeeding journey

This is a tale of two breastfeeding journeys... The first being with my oldest. I was a new mom at 23 years old. I remember wondering how I would be as a mother. I felt awkward. None of my friends at that time were having kids. Jon and I were literally the only people in our circle who were pregnant. At times, it was a bit isolating. I remember pondering how I would feel when I saw my little one for the first time... Would I immediately feel overwhelmed and put him to my breast? Or would I stare in awe? I see him.. His little face... His ten finger and toes, and I am in love. Prior to delivery, I was on the fence with breastfeeding, simply because I didn't know if I would be able to. I had undergone a breast reduction surgery at 19 years old, and most people were saying that it was unlikely that I would  be able to breastfeed. I put him to my breast. He latches... Or so I think. According to my recollection, I didn't really have much help. It honestly felt as if the hospital staff were a bit indifferent regarding my desire to breastfeed. This indifference seemed to follow suite, even with the hospital lactation consultant. Fast forward to when my milk comes in... I don't know what to do! Do I pump? Do I try to nurse? All that I know is that my engorged boobs looked pretty crazy and a close second to an episode of "Botched"... Please note that I have a fussy baby. My boobs are engorged. I try latching him. He won't latch. In fact I wouldn't know what a "good latch" looked like if it bit me in the boob... I asked my husband who at the time wasn't sure what to do. We begin supplementing with formula (which was provided by the hospital)... What else was there to do? I had a fussy babe who "seemed" hungry. In that moment, I wasn't sure if he was "getting enough."  I was in pain. I was emotional because of #postpartumlife.  I began to feel incapability creep in as steadily as my milk supply. The insecurities were as real as my full breasts. I began to feel as if my body which had served my growing baby well up until this point, yet all of a sudden, was incapable of producing milk and continuing its task in sustaining the life formed inside of me. I decided to give him formula.

The following day, I called the hospital lactation consultant and explain to her what's happening. She provided me with two options...  to continue... OR to end my breastfeeding journey. These were the obvious choices. I was honestly hoping that she would give me a plan C. It all seemed too stressful. I was alone and in desperate need of support. After five days of trying, and more people telling me that "it didn't take all that,"  than actual supporters. I stopped breastfeeding. 

Fast forward almost nine years later, and I am preparing to give birth to my second son, Jedi. Before hand, I read every book on unmedicated childbirth and breastfeeding, and hypno-birthing. I Watched every documentary... I prepared with the mental focus of an Olympic athlete.. I wanted nothing more than a healthy baby, and to be able to breastfeed to sustain that health. 

We are in labor. My husband and I ask for the lactation consultant at the hospital. This birth was taking a while, and I wanted to stimulate contractions a bit by pumping. Our LC comes in. Her name is Rebecca. I explained to her that I was unable to breastfeed my first (or so I thought). I told her about how I had a breast reduction almost 14 years ago. She looks at me and says, "well let's see what we have here."  She squeezes my boob & voila!!! Milk come out. Colostrum... She looks at me with a huge smile on her face and says, "See, you can make milk." That was all that I needed... Confidence. "I CAN MAKE MILK." In that moment, it didn't matter what anyone said. I COULD MAKE MILK. I now had all the confidence that I needed.

We leave the hospital and so it begins. My nipples feel like they are about to fall off. It's painful. Like toe curling painful. I was exhausted and overwhelmed with breastfeeding. I wasn't sure if I was "doing it right"... if my latch was "perfect," as I had read in countless books and watched via numerous YouTube breastfeeding tutorials. I was beginning to feel alone. This is when I decided to attend a Mama's Circle at The Community Birth Center! It was filled with beautiful mamas supporting and loving on each other. I was baby wearing my little one, who up until this point, was sleeping all tucked in against my chest in his wrap. He eventually wakes and I attempt to feed him, which in turn feels a lot like a game of breastfeeding double dutch. Sensing that I was struggling with this game of "perfect latch," a wonderful mom from the Mama's Circle simply asks me, "How are you, mama?"  She comes over and assures me that I'm not doing anything wrong and shows me how to properly latch Mr. Jedi onto my breast. She relaxes my shoulders. She puts a nursing pillow in place for better support. He latches perfectly... without pain. The mothers in this gathering also shared with me some tips on nipple care, and encouraged me to eat more and drink more water.  That day, I walked away from a circle of moms feeling confident and assured that I, not only was capable of nursing my babe, but capable of continuing on in our breastfeeding journey... for as long as we wanted... 

 My story is a prime example that breastfeeding is all about support.  I was able to produce milk with both babies. I just didn't have the tools or the knowledge of what to do. My body wasn't broken. I wasn't broken. My body was more than prepared to nourish my baby. I just didn't know it.  The major component that made all the difference was my support... or lack there of.  I truly believe that a mother's support system has everything to do with her continuing or ending her breastfeeding journey.  Honestly, the people around me didn't have all the answers. But they were there to offer whatever wisdom that they had available. I was supported and that made all the difference. 

My little one is now almost thirteen months old. We are still breastfeeding. It truly takes a village... I am so very grateful for mine.

Photo Credit: Nicole Gracen