A Lesson During Morning Meditation

Lately, my mind has been centering around peace... resolve... balance. This morning, as I began my morning meditation, my little one, Jedi, crawled into bed alongside me. Now, I think that it's imperative that I include that in the morning (and in life), Jedi completely lacks a sense of personal space. Especially when it comes to me, mommy. Oftentimes, when we wake up, he will find me and either place his little hands on my face and sweetly whisper super close to my nose, eyeball, chin or some oddly placed region of my face (where most seldom choose to whisper.) Sometimes he will find me and pull my shirt over his head. I'm guessing that he's reminiscing about our morning nursing sessions. (Sidenote: He officially weaned two months ago.). Of course, by now, it's becoming a bit more difficult for him to pull my shirt over his head, as my belly is beginning to take up the majority of the space. Jedi takes space. His joy fills our room in the morning. Truthfully, I wouldn't have it any other way. This morning was no different. 

This morning, as I was meditating, Jedi crawled into bed and began his morning Jedi mind tricks. Truthfully, it was a bit difficult to stay focused on my breath and centered with a toddler pulling my face, jumping on the bed, and basically being a toddler. In that moment, distraction in the form of my little one was front and center. However, at the moment, I realized that while I couldn't change the distraction/ the environment (and why would I?) I could change my viewpoint. I could change my focus. I could stay with my breath, paying attention to how freely my chest would rise and fall on each inhale and exhale. I could pay attention to the air flowing in and out of each nostril. Within that moment, my child was safe. He was in our bed. Our children are healthy and full of life. This is a gift.

The beautiful lesson at that moment was not lost. In the midst of the distraction, I didn't lose focus on my breath. There will always be a demand on your time, your energy, your self. There will always be distractions, even beautiful ones. However, continue to breathe, to capture peace, to embrace all of the joy. Pour into yourself, so that you can contunue to pour into those that matter most. Take space and then return. How are you breathing today? 

Abundance

Today, I have been reflective. It's hard to to wrap my head around the fact that not only will Mr. Jedi be 2 years old, tomorrow... But 2 years ago today, I was in the throws of 43 hours of intense labor. It was by far one of the most intense moments I have ever experienced. Truthfully, the intensity was beyond the surges, reminding me that this life that I had been carrying for 40 weeks, would now make its noble entrance.

I remember breathing... breathing through every contraction... through every bit of pain... It felt as if my back was being torn apart. Reading numerous hypno birthing books had gotten me to this point of no return. In that moment, I remember asking for my mother. In that moment I missed her more than ever. She was present for the birth of my oldest son, Jax. She held my hand. She reminded me that I was loved in a way that only a mother can. She watched as her baby birthed her own baby.

This time was different. She wasn't there... and nothing... and no one could replace or change this unfortunate reality. However, I believe that it was no coincidence that during my birth with Jedi, I was surrounded by love. I truly believe that every woman that was present, represented a special part of my mother... her motherhood... her protection... her sense of humor... her focus... her laughter. All of it was there in that room... in different forms... but ever present.

When I look at this photo, I am reminded that somehow... someway within the deficit, there is still abundance. Within my mothers absence, I was surrounded by such an abundance of love.  
 

Get Ready With Me... and Glossier

As a child, I remember waking up to the smell of bacon and coffee. I remember the smell of my mother's perfume... how it would linger around her vanity mirror in the morning. I remember the hustle and bustle... the grand parade of marching the children out of the house and on to school. Needless to say, the morning routine was real, with real memories of good. 

Truthfully, my family's morning routine looks quite different than the one I remember. For starters, our family's diet is plant based. Jon and I both work creative jobs, so therefore our mornings may differ from day to day. If there is school, the morning may start earlier (around 6am to be exact). If school is out, liberties are taken... the opportunity to breathe a bit and take in the morning's glory becomes the top priority. 

I usually start the day by shimmying into the kitchen to pour a fresh glass of water with a squeeze of lemon to flush out toxins and jumpstart my morning. A shower normally is soon to follow. Because I don't drink coffee, my morning shower stands in as a loyal substitute. (Side Note: I first start off with a warm shower, and then gradually shift to cold. Cold showers help improve circulation and immunity, combats stress, and increases mental alertness.) 

After my shower, I moisturize with coconut oil as well as some of my favorite essential oils (patchouli, lavender, bergamot). I personally, I love using essential oils as my scent, as they are known to do more good than harm. Unlike most commercial perfumes, you can be sure that essential oils do not contain synthetic ingredients that can also act as hormone disruptors. Therapeutic grade essential oils are just that... therapeutic. They can uplift mood, ease anxiety, and cure common cold symptoms.

As far as makeup goes... I use my ultimate fave Glossier. I love their mission of creating products that truly focus on skin health.

"It all began back in 2010 on IntoTheGloss.com, our super successful beauty blog with a loyal, influential readership—and editors with a sixth-sense for what’s relevant (and what works)."- Glossier

Their Skin Tint is the best everyday foundation around. It goes on smooth and feels light. It goes on smooth and feels light... as if I'm going sans makeup, hence allowing my skin to simply glow.  It becomes apparent that when wearing Glossier, people notice my skin... not my makeup. My other favorite product by Glossier is their Boy Brow. I wear this even when going sans makeup. Boy Brow is like the cherry on top, giving my brows a very full and youthful look. If I don't have time to do anything else, I will simply swipe on Boy Brow, coconut oil, and some balm.com on my lips, and I'm out the door. Trust me, as a mom of two, doula, and creative, I don't have time to sit and contour my face. I want my makeup to celebrate my skin, not hide it. 

Lastly, I believe that personal style resides deep within. I don't believe that we should have to sacrifice comfort for whats considered "cool". (Cool is overrated anyways.)  Give me something free flowing from my closet, a hat, and out the door I go. A lot like our choice of clothing, our morning routine says a lot about who we are... whats necessary... whats important. Our routines may all look different. They may differ from day to day. Its all good. Do you, mama... It looks good on you. 

Suzanne's Quest To Achieving Balance

On most days I feel like a Mom fail.  I am racing to get my kids to school on time, but often falling late.  I open the fridge to find a lunchable as the only thing to throw in my kiddos lunchbox because I didn't have time to grocery shop this week yet.  I am often late to pick them up from school too, as my kids know that 'spot' to go to when Mom is late again.  We race to baseball practice.  Race to dance class.  Race here, race there.  I work on the weekends, including Sundays.  My kids are used to their Mom being over extended and way too busy.  They want to slow down.  Stop at the park.  Not eat in the car.  But we are racing here and there every day.  

I recognize that these most precious of days are flying by, and Mom is just racing through life.  Even my own fitness practice has suffered this year as my business grows and triples in size.  Every month I recognize that my motherhood goals have fallen short.  I am racing around, and forgetting to slow down and enjoy the simple pleasures of their childhood.  Last night, I was so exhausted from racing around all day that I was too tired to cuddle my 8 year old son who longs for a good cuddle at night.  I fell asleep disappointed in myself.  There is no balance.  Work has taken over and the balance is lost.  I long to slow down and soak up all of that good togetherness of family.  I always wonder if the next week will calm down and get better, but I recognize that I need to create the balance or life & work keep spinning faster and faster.  I stuggle to hit the brakes, but long for balance.  

Stalemate

I am content. 

I am content. 

I am content.

I repeat this to myself like a mantra as I scroll through my Facebook feed bursting at the seams with pregnancy photoshoots and various mom friends joyously announcing their pregnancies of baby number two. Someone’s going to be a big brother due in October! Staring at their ever growing bellies I begin to reminisce about my own pregnancy from over two years ago. I had never felt more beautiful and special in my life as I did when I was carrying my son in my womb. I allowed myself to stop and be present and get carried away in the amazingness that is the female body. I felt like a walking miracle and part of a club and secret world I had never known: Motherhood. Coming back to the reality of the present day I look down from the screen to my own semi flat belly, any minor protuberance can only be attributed to fat and flab, no baby.

“I can’t start over again” my husband’s own personal mantra whenever I feel brave enough to broach the subject for the twentieth time. “I just can’t. And I don’t think you really want to either.” Maybe he has a point. Adin was anything but an easy baby; endless months of colic and nonstop crying in the car whenever we would be forced to stop at a red light. It would be more than accurate and fair to say that my partner is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder occurred from the first year of our son’s life. Just mentioning babies causes Brad to have flashbacks of both his wife and son hysterically crying. I will not discount his emotional trauma, however as a stay at home, extended breastfeeding, bed sharing, attachment parenting mother I have to say that if I survived, I believe he can too. 

Beyond the social pressures, even in the abstract of social media, are our mothers. When are you going to have another baby already, is the tune sung in unison by our overbearing Jewish mothers, who never saw eye to eye on anything except our inherent need to continue procreating. My mother tells me that her and her Rabbi are in agreement that I should accidentally conceive with the belief that once I have the baby Brad will love him or her. Seriously?… I only become aware that my mother-in-law has been asking/demanding for baby number two when out of the blue my husband will randomly blurt out while watching Daniel Tiger with our son, I don’t understand how people have more than one kid, one is hard enough! The more he is pushed the farther and farther away he gets.

So, where does this leave me? 

I will not secretly get pregnant. 

I will not have a baby that is not completely wanted by both parties involved. 

My desire remains the same, I want to have another baby. 

Stalemate.