Dame

I had a dream that one day my beauty products wouldn't lie to me. Tell me that my skin would be moisturized, glowing, and flawless IF I just used this here jar for four to six weeks.
I had a dream that big named companies were the ones that never compromised safety and health over those willing to pay (sacrificing their health) to cut corners.

I had a dream that my lust for fragrant petals & creamy balms wouldn't lead me to a cancerous death.  A dream that one day I could trust in the wisdom of the earth and make use of the various botanicals available to take care of my skin just the way mother nature intended me to... That one day I would be able to build my own body scrubs with exotic salts, vibrant fruit powders, petals and wild harvested oils (oh my), that worked best for my skin! AND my skin would be smoother than ever before. My skin would reveal her true natural glow for all to see and feel! I had a dream that every woman knew just how special she was. That the light in her eyes had birthed nations for ions. Her body was more powerful than she knew. That it was important that her body be nurtured and given all the care, like only she could. That she knew her body belonged to only her... That when she was happy, she was the prettiest girl in the room. She was a magnificent radiant being of light, whose skin glowed to the heavens. 

I address her as MaDAME out of respect.
When I awoke, I realized the day was today.

That was my dream 5 years ago. Just months prior, I was living on my own, working, and dating my high school sweetheart. I thought I was living my dream. Then I discovered I was pregnant. And the man whom I'd known since I was 14 wanted nothing to do with a baby. He insisted that while I could afford a baby, he wasn't in a position to. That it would ruin his life, his music career. It would ruin our lives. “How could I suddenly love someone I didn't know yet more than I loved him,” he said. I grew up with both parents in the home. Well my Jewish step-father had been in my life since I was 8 months old. He was only 21 when he met my mother and immediately loved me as his very own. My mother always told me to listen to a man when he tells you what he wants. And the only thing I did know was that I didn't want to be a single mother. I had watched my sister and friends raise their children single handedly until they were delusional from the lack of sleep. I was 26, yet everyone around offered their opinions of how I was too young to have a baby. My mother and I were estranged at the time. When I called her to tell her the news, she simply wished me good luck and told me I had better to not tell my father. 

So I did it. I had an abortion. I “took care of it" sobbing the whole way through. The nurse asked me if I wanted to stop and yet I allowed them to continue. I learned I could be firm in my decision, and still hate myself for doing so at the same time.

Weeks after, I took a new lease on life. I began doing all the things I was afraid to do and seemed appropriate to do while I wasn't a mother with children to raise. I shaved my hair, threw out all my toxic skin care products, lost 30 lbs, and started my own company with the funding I earned traveling all over the world for my current employer. I opened 12 restaurants in less than 2 years. I drowned myself in work and tried to maximize my days... The guilt rears it's head from time to time. It took years to not silently condemn myself and know that I am enough. That God has continued to bless and guide me. With our current state of the world, I can't imagine a life where young women are denied the right to choose. 

I recently wrote a letter to myself during this last full moon that I carry around in my wallet as part of my healing process.

Love Notes to Me:

You anxiously awaited the arrival of the full moon but you didn't expect for it to be this emotional, this tricky. The trick is how to make it about loving yourself. The trick is how to make it about encouraging yourself. The trick is how to make it about getting to know another aspect of yourself.
Many important people will come. And go. And stay. And leave. And It's okay to feel. But the real romance is yours. The real relationship is about you coming into a deeper understanding of yourself.
A deeper knowing of your strength.
A deeper respect for your resilience.
A deeper appreciation of your abilities.
You have given your best effort consistently and therefore have every right to feel proud of yourself.
No matter the current shape of things. No matter the status of the situation right now.
This week has reminded you of a limit you are working within. It might remind you of the weight of the decisions that you have to make. Where you stand today might have you feeling a little burdened with your current circumstances.
But where you stand could also have you quietly celebrating the fact that you are living up to your own standards.
The healing comes from listening.
The healing comes from finding a way to get across what you might not yet know how to put into words.
The healing comes from letting your actions do the explaining.
And the mending.
And the rebuilding.
Healing comes from giving each day your best effort.
Your sincerity.
Your honesty.
You got this Dame.