On October 28th, 2013 I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. It was not a joyous discovery but more so it was followed by rejection from the father along with verbal and emotional abuse. I wrestled with major depression during my pregnancy while battling if I should keep my daughter or not. But I was grateful to be surrounded by people that cared. On June 17th I had my daughter and the road has not been easy. Currently, her father is still not present in her life. And I had to eventually let go of the idea of him being present in her life as she approaches her 2nd birthday next month. I grieved a lot through this especially because he is fully involved in the life of his other kids. But I had to hold myself responsible for my part as well. And this had me thinking about other sisters that may be dealing with the same thing. Within the Black community we have generational curse of broken families. And I grapple with what can be the resolution to begin to mend this. We enter relationships in hopes resolving issues that were created from childhood thinking another party can help to resolve it, But if we are not willing to do the self-work to gain the healing and take responsibility on our own part then how can we truly heal?
On March 25th, 2015 I shared my full story with matermea.com (http://www.matermea.com/blog/2015/3/24/how-having-my-daughter-saved-my-life). I did not share my experience for you to hate him but hope you see that his actions came from his immature child mind state that never dealt with his own issues emotionally, mentally and spiritually. He came from a broken home as well, where he met his father for the first time at the age of twenty-two. He didn’t have a normal upbringing. I’m not making excuses for him. But more so realizing we must take special inventory of the state we are in individually and why we do the things we do. Family composition may not be normal but we are still able to create a safe space for the people involved and children. To make this possible as long we are willing to take responsibility for our actions and willing to do the work towards our own healing for the betterment of the structure of the family, no matter how that may look like because what is a normal family now a days. I also learned, ladies, we cannot think we can go into relationships thinking we can save someone, but most importantly we must see circumstances and people for what and who they are and not what we want them to be. Two sick people cannot know how to love one another. As nurturers, women have a natural tendency to nurture the best out of a person, but what if that person is not ready for that vision you see for them? Will you continue to live off a delusion or accept the situation for what it truly is and being honest with yourself? Will you continue to be emotionally, mentally, and spiritually abused?
You see I knew my daughter's father since the age of 18. I did not know or more so realize he was emotionally abusive until the discovery of my pregnancy. The abuse of any form is never okay. Growing up I watched my mother being physically abused for 7 years by her boyfriend and vowed that would never happen to me. Little did I know I was allowing myself to be abused emotionally by him for so many years and I didn't realize it until I was carrying our daughter. I ignored the signs because I wanted to believe he would change in order for us to be together but that never happened. So on the Fall of 2013 we decided to part ways but 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. There were endless days of arguments, verbal disrespect, blaming me for everything, crying myself to sleep and even drinking during my pregnancy while battling if I should I keep my daughter or not because I feared raising my daughter by myself. I was deeply depressed and had irregular eating. I would go through the process of grieving everything I felt I was losing and will lose because of my “mistake”. It was a very rough transition but with support of my Christian family in Boston and Philadelphia I would of never had made it through. God's grace and mercy displayed through His people is what kept me even when I questioned my own faith. God showed me that He still loved me even though I was being rejected by the one I wanted to finally love me.
Most of all we must be careful who we allow to plant in our gardens and plant spiritual, mental, emotional, verbal, and/or physical seeds because having to uproot those weeds is not easy. The Bible says “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life,” (Proverbs 4:23) and this rings to be so true. All intentions of a person comes from a person’s heart and when the heart is damaged it is very hard for it to come back from.
This is just the beginning for me and I am excited about others I may help by sharing my story. Part of my healing is by helping others and sharing my experience, which lessens my fears and shame little by little. I truly believe my experiences, which I take full responsibility for, were truly blessings to empower me and force me to grow. So in all that I have gone through I express gratitude because I am able to see the mercy, grace and glory in it all from start to finish and it’s far from over. After the birth of my daughter I finally pursued a dream I had since 2000 which is to become a Counseling Midwife. On May 7th, the day before Mother's Day I graduated to receive my diploma and this the best gift a mother can ever have; to achieve a huge accomplishment with my daughter watching. Moving forward we will be relocating to Dallas, Texas so I can become a Certified Professional Midwife as I work as a Doula at the North Dallas Doula Associates www.northdallasdoulas.com. Through everything I see God's redemption through everything. He saved. Is saving me. And will continue to save me by His love for me. I am excited about my daughter's and I future. You ready to take on the world Glorious-Zoelle?