Cultivate Peace.

We are officially in the homestretch… Truthfully, I feel as if I have been pregnant for 5,011 weeks. I can’t see my toes. Hell, I can’t see my vagina. Anything from the waist down (legs included) are a complete guessing game. As I've written before, this pregnancy has not only felt completely different than my previous pregnancies, but it has taught me some beautiful lessons along the way. I have learned to trust my body. I have learned to lean into the truth that I know what's best for me and this body that serves me every single day. I’ve learned that my joy… my happiness is imperative. I discovered that placing boundaries in order to protect my joy is not only necessary but wise. I have begun to practice what I preach in regards to leaning on my village! Truthfully, this has been easier said than done.

During this pregnancy of Baby Stereo, I have been busier than ever! At least busier, than at any time during my previous pregnancies. Between juggling postpartum doula clients, to planning and executing Moms In Color Events, to simply being a mama while my husband is traveling abroad for work, its been a lot. I've had to be a lot more gentle and kind to myself, and rid myself of the notion that somehow, someway, I could balance it all at once. I had to be present and in the moment. The moment that I tried to take on too much would prove to be the moment that my pregnant body would let me know that perhaps I should slow it down.

Around 29 weeks, I started having Braxton Hicks. No biggie. Totally normal for these warm-up contractions to begin. But then, I noticed that these practice contractions would become a bit more intense depending on what I was doing or viewing (Side Note: Dear pregnant people, be mindful of what you take in visually during pregnancy. More on that later.) Around 31 weeks, the Braxton Hicks became a bit more intense. At 33 weeks, (after watching something online that perhaps I shouldn’t have…) I had a Braxton hicks contraction that felt a bit painful. Was I in early labor? I couldn’t be. That week, my midwife and I both decided that perhaps it was time for me to journey to the exotic destination of bed and couch island.

While on bed and couch island, I decided to try out my new Bloomlife Monitor. Bloomlife is a women's resource that allows preggo people to monitor contraction information in real time. It provides information such as the duration of contractions, as well as frequency via a sensor gently placed three fingers below your belly button. The Bloomlife monitor gathers this information without the use of ultrasound and is completely non-invasive/ passive. This means, that this monitor is safe for continuous use. For me, the non-invasive component played a big part in my decision to take this monitor for a test drive. I’m a super chill mama, who has opted to have a homebirth. I am super reluctant about putting any "beepy" things on my body. This felt like a good middle ground for gathering information regarding what was happening in my body and not feeling as though I was feeding the technological monster. What I loved about the Bloomlife is that it doesn’t tell you when to call the midwife or when to pack your bags and head to the hospital. It is simply a tool to empower you to make an informed decision. The contraction information gathered can be viewed on your mobile device via the Bloomlife App.

Lastly, I feel that combining intuition with a resource such as the Bloomlife Monitor can be super helpful in supporting parents as they gear up to their labor journey. The monitor can be used simply as confirmation of your intuitive instinct. Which leads lead me to my final point. Trust yourself. Know yourself. If you are the kind of birthing person, who by seeing information real time, provides you peace, then the Bloomlife is for you. If you are the kind of birthing person, who by seeing information real time, could leave you feeling overwhelmed… Perhaps it may prove beneficial to have a friend, your partner, or your support system keep an eye out as the contraction monitor does its thing! Do what brings you the most peace and comfort. Do what feels right for you, and what leaves you feeling most empowered and supported. Gather all the joy… all the peace… lean into your deep intuitive birthing essence.

Abundance

Today, I have been reflective. It's hard to to wrap my head around the fact that not only will Mr. Jedi be 2 years old, tomorrow... But 2 years ago today, I was in the throws of 43 hours of intense labor. It was by far one of the most intense moments I have ever experienced. Truthfully, the intensity was beyond the surges, reminding me that this life that I had been carrying for 40 weeks, would now make its noble entrance.

I remember breathing... breathing through every contraction... through every bit of pain... It felt as if my back was being torn apart. Reading numerous hypno birthing books had gotten me to this point of no return. In that moment, I remember asking for my mother. In that moment I missed her more than ever. She was present for the birth of my oldest son, Jax. She held my hand. She reminded me that I was loved in a way that only a mother can. She watched as her baby birthed her own baby.

This time was different. She wasn't there... and nothing... and no one could replace or change this unfortunate reality. However, I believe that it was no coincidence that during my birth with Jedi, I was surrounded by love. I truly believe that every woman that was present, represented a special part of my mother... her motherhood... her protection... her sense of humor... her focus... her laughter. All of it was there in that room... in different forms... but ever present.

When I look at this photo, I am reminded that somehow... someway within the deficit, there is still abundance. Within my mothers absence, I was surrounded by such an abundance of love.  
 

Stalemate

I am content. 

I am content. 

I am content.

I repeat this to myself like a mantra as I scroll through my Facebook feed bursting at the seams with pregnancy photoshoots and various mom friends joyously announcing their pregnancies of baby number two. Someone’s going to be a big brother due in October! Staring at their ever growing bellies I begin to reminisce about my own pregnancy from over two years ago. I had never felt more beautiful and special in my life as I did when I was carrying my son in my womb. I allowed myself to stop and be present and get carried away in the amazingness that is the female body. I felt like a walking miracle and part of a club and secret world I had never known: Motherhood. Coming back to the reality of the present day I look down from the screen to my own semi flat belly, any minor protuberance can only be attributed to fat and flab, no baby.

“I can’t start over again” my husband’s own personal mantra whenever I feel brave enough to broach the subject for the twentieth time. “I just can’t. And I don’t think you really want to either.” Maybe he has a point. Adin was anything but an easy baby; endless months of colic and nonstop crying in the car whenever we would be forced to stop at a red light. It would be more than accurate and fair to say that my partner is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder occurred from the first year of our son’s life. Just mentioning babies causes Brad to have flashbacks of both his wife and son hysterically crying. I will not discount his emotional trauma, however as a stay at home, extended breastfeeding, bed sharing, attachment parenting mother I have to say that if I survived, I believe he can too. 

Beyond the social pressures, even in the abstract of social media, are our mothers. When are you going to have another baby already, is the tune sung in unison by our overbearing Jewish mothers, who never saw eye to eye on anything except our inherent need to continue procreating. My mother tells me that her and her Rabbi are in agreement that I should accidentally conceive with the belief that once I have the baby Brad will love him or her. Seriously?… I only become aware that my mother-in-law has been asking/demanding for baby number two when out of the blue my husband will randomly blurt out while watching Daniel Tiger with our son, I don’t understand how people have more than one kid, one is hard enough! The more he is pushed the farther and farther away he gets.

So, where does this leave me? 

I will not secretly get pregnant. 

I will not have a baby that is not completely wanted by both parties involved. 

My desire remains the same, I want to have another baby. 

Stalemate.

Sada's Story of Birth and Loss

I lost my mom when I needed her the most... There. I’ve finally admitted it. And this is the first time I have. I’ve lost count of how many drafts I’ve started to share my story but I think this will be the last one. The grieving process is such an indescribable journey and it’s a journey that I’ve chosen to navigate internally. Releasing what I can to God and no one else. I’ve made the decision to be strong...like my mother. People keep telling me I don’t have to be strong, but I want to be. My mother was the queen of telling me to “get it together” and I love being able to be a strong woman, standing tall in the midst of pain, just like my mother did during her battle with cancer. That strength that she had, is in me. And it makes me feel good to know that I’m strong like her. It keeps me connected. It’s what helps me get through each moment... and each day... right now. 

Not too many people knew that I was going through the happiest and saddest time of my life this year. In my opinion, I truly learned how beautiful life is and how fragile life is in the most personal way possible. I was blessed to have a life, my first child,  growing inside of my womb, all while watching the one who birthed me, fight for her life and transition from this earth. It was an experience and a season that I can’t find words to describe. But through the grace of God I’ve made it to a place of peace. And not only have I made it but I’m doing okay...

My mother passed away when I began my eighth month of pregnancy. And for the sake of my unborn child, I chose to “get it together.” I didn’t want my child to be to feel a great amount of sorrow and pain. I didn’t want my child to be born to a "sad mother."  I prayed that I didn’t experience postpartum depression and tapped into the power of supernatural strength and peace. I have a grip on it so tight and don’t plan on ever letting go. I’m able to embrace the beauty of motherhood... It makes me feel a connection with my mom.  Longing to make my mother proud, doing things that she did for me, keeps her light bright for me. Everything she taught me, Everything she showed me, I am now able to give to my son, and that makes me feel so much joy. My mother taught me that the Joy of the Lord is my strength and I’ve learned to enjoy my husband, my child, my family, my son and the memories of my mom. And because I stepped out on faith, giving myself permission to enjoy this life I’ve been blessed with, I’ve gained strength. Not only have I gained strength, but I’ve also gained Peace that passes all understanding.

I’m not claiming to have things figured out. I’m not claiming that I don’t have quiet days or moments of tears. The journey is unpredictable... I just take things one day at a time. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around this new normal, and I know it will take a lifetime. But as I grow, I’m learning about who I am as a daughter, as a sister, as a wife and as a mother. I am my mother’s legacy and I will dedicate my journey of motherhood and womanhood to her. My mother, Ileana Watson, was a bright light that brightened up many lives. And I am forever thankful that I was blessed to be her daughter. 

The Best Version of Myself...

Fitness has always been a part of my life whether for recreation, competition or most recently for the sole reason of being the best version of myself. Best version of MYSELF. Not the best version in general, because that mindset inevitably brings forth comparison and comparison in my opinion is the archenemy to a healthy self-esteem. 

If I hadn't discovered this revelation I would be disgusted with my body image today and would be putting forth far too many efforts toward immediate change back to my physically fit self. I would see all the picture perfect mamas on Instagram and feel like trash due to my few new stretch marks, the extra weight around my thighs/midsection, how my hip bones have shifted for good. Thankfully I am no longer in the business of comparison and all of these changes have only fueled my womanly empowerment! I am so proud of this body and what it has accomplished, I have grace for it and am giving it the necessary time to heal..do I want to be fit again? Of course! But in good timing and not because I want countless likes on Instagram. Majority of my energy is going toward nurturing a newly earth side baby, making sure that she feels safe and loved. My time is spent no better way than with her laying skin to skin on my chest for as long as she sees fit. 

We are unconsciously programmed from a very young age to dress, act, be a certain way and as mothers if we are not intentional about guarding our children's hearts and minds they will continue to fall victim to fueling their progress in life by insecurities. I'm not saying that society is evil or trends are of the devil but when I see people putting more stock in how others will perceive them over their very own peace of mind and contentment that is what does not sit well within my soul. 

Every human deserves to be seen, to be loved, to be accepted for their most genuine self but the trouble is many are unwilling to be vulnerable enough for that acknowledgment. Hiding in plain sight has been mastered by an amazing amount of people and it breaks my heart to be aware of just how much potential is being hidden behind the fear of failure and loneliness. Realistically every successful person who had to put in their own efforts to get there has faced many failures along the way and as far as loneliness goes all of my revelations, spiritual awakenings or simple realization of common sense has never come to me while I'm out with my girls, getting ready for a concert or even having a Netflix&chill with my soulmate but RATHER in complete solitude.

I have found a respect for myself over the past few years that allows me to treat others with grace and understanding. Through trial and error, meditation and allowing the universe to finally do its thing in my life I have found that I am here to be a kind and loving inspiration of truth. My mind is at peace knowing that my purpose is simple and attainable, not easy but worth the effort because in return I am continually blessed by the addition of deep and richly invested friendships, the kind that don't give up on you when you slip up and act like a complete idiot for some reason or another. Shoutout to Shannon and Roxane, I love you girls. 

I hope that a sentence or two has deeply resonated within whomever may be reading these words.

In conclusion...

-If you haven't already, start the journey toward becoming your very best SELF. That may mean; purging your home of useless junk, eating better, working out, making time for solitude, reading a book, smelling some flowers, rekindling a forgotten hobby, nurturing a meaningful friendship.. Etc...

-if you happen to be a mother please brainstorm and consider ways that you can be very intentional about raising up your young one(s) to be entirely aware of their self worth. Make sure they know just how essential and important they are. This may mean; allowing them to be curious even if that means you don't always have the answers, praising their ideas instead of questioning them, telling them that they are wonderful.. Etc...

Close your eyes, smile and be at peace 🙏🏻
Namaste
Summer dawn