Sada's Story of Birth and Loss

I lost my mom when I needed her the most... There. I’ve finally admitted it. And this is the first time I have. I’ve lost count of how many drafts I’ve started to share my story but I think this will be the last one. The grieving process is such an indescribable journey and it’s a journey that I’ve chosen to navigate internally. Releasing what I can to God and no one else. I’ve made the decision to be strong...like my mother. People keep telling me I don’t have to be strong, but I want to be. My mother was the queen of telling me to “get it together” and I love being able to be a strong woman, standing tall in the midst of pain, just like my mother did during her battle with cancer. That strength that she had, is in me. And it makes me feel good to know that I’m strong like her. It keeps me connected. It’s what helps me get through each moment... and each day... right now. 

Not too many people knew that I was going through the happiest and saddest time of my life this year. In my opinion, I truly learned how beautiful life is and how fragile life is in the most personal way possible. I was blessed to have a life, my first child,  growing inside of my womb, all while watching the one who birthed me, fight for her life and transition from this earth. It was an experience and a season that I can’t find words to describe. But through the grace of God I’ve made it to a place of peace. And not only have I made it but I’m doing okay...

My mother passed away when I began my eighth month of pregnancy. And for the sake of my unborn child, I chose to “get it together.” I didn’t want my child to be to feel a great amount of sorrow and pain. I didn’t want my child to be born to a "sad mother."  I prayed that I didn’t experience postpartum depression and tapped into the power of supernatural strength and peace. I have a grip on it so tight and don’t plan on ever letting go. I’m able to embrace the beauty of motherhood... It makes me feel a connection with my mom.  Longing to make my mother proud, doing things that she did for me, keeps her light bright for me. Everything she taught me, Everything she showed me, I am now able to give to my son, and that makes me feel so much joy. My mother taught me that the Joy of the Lord is my strength and I’ve learned to enjoy my husband, my child, my family, my son and the memories of my mom. And because I stepped out on faith, giving myself permission to enjoy this life I’ve been blessed with, I’ve gained strength. Not only have I gained strength, but I’ve also gained Peace that passes all understanding.

I’m not claiming to have things figured out. I’m not claiming that I don’t have quiet days or moments of tears. The journey is unpredictable... I just take things one day at a time. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around this new normal, and I know it will take a lifetime. But as I grow, I’m learning about who I am as a daughter, as a sister, as a wife and as a mother. I am my mother’s legacy and I will dedicate my journey of motherhood and womanhood to her. My mother, Ileana Watson, was a bright light that brightened up many lives. And I am forever thankful that I was blessed to be her daughter. 

Mothering... A Journey Of Healing Through Grief

It is never easy to lose a parent at an early age. Honestly, It is never easy for anyone to lose a parent no matter what the age. I was twenty-three when my mother passed from Cancer. Twenty-three with a three-year-old daughter. My mother, Kimberly, and I were always super close. She was my very first best friend. When I had my daughter, it seemed as though our relationship reached a whole new level. We now had motherhood in common... something more to share. My mom was the first person who saw the face of my daughter. Yes, even before me (I fell asleep on the table, that medicine was serious). I loved the relationship my daughter shared with my mom. Whenever we would come to visit from Tennessee, if you saw Kim you saw Chasi. Their relationship was really starting to bloom. My mom was teaching my daughter and I. Kim taught me so much about motherhood, womanhood, being a wife, and a successful woman. As a mother, always keep an open line of communication with your children. As a woman, don’t take crap from anybody and maintain sexy at all times. Maintaining a healthy marriage was important.  As a successful woman, business is business and you better handle yours if you want to eat. We had an absolutely wonderful relationship.

    So on July 10, 2012 when I found out that my mother had passed away, many emotions filled by body. I found myself in the days leading up to the funeral in a straight haze.  At this point, I was pretty much numb. During the funeral Greg, my biological father (aka my sperm donor) thought it would be a wonderful idea for him and his sisters to show up 21 years later to try to make amends. FYI, I let them know that they "tried my life" to the 10th degree. The days after the funeral, I found myself growing angry. I was mad! Mad at life, mad at family members, and honestly I was mad at my mom. She left me. Growing up my parents never wanted to tell my siblings and I bad news (or that somebody died) especially at night time. I guess they didn’t want us to dream about it or something. They would wait until the morning to tell us. I felt as though my parents still were trying to treat us like those little girls. I felt as though my parents knew more than they let on about the Cancer and it spreading throughout my mom’s body. So when she died, I felt blindsided. I felt as though those last 4 weeks were taken from me. I was pissed. I already don't have the best attitude when it comes to bull$@!&, and it went to a whole different level. I no longer cared. If you were somebody’s mother or grandmother try me if you want to. Anybody could get it! Straight up! Let’s just say that the "alternate personality" my mom use to encourage me to never reveal was in full effect. She always knew what was up, if I was provoked. My mom knew the real Cecili, and loved every part of me. 

    It’s been four years since my mommy passed away.  I am no longer mad at life. Trust me it took time. It has been hard not having my mom around, especially since I am a mother to a now seven-year-old kid. I do get upset when I think about the phone calls I can no longer make or the pictures and videos I can no longer send. I still feel like those last few weeks were stolen. However, with time, I had to realize my mom didn’t leave me willingly or purposely. I had to realize she didn’t leave this earth mad, so I better not live on this earth mad. I had to realize that she left me with great wisdom, love, and gratitude. I know my mom is putting in some major keys up there to God on my behalf. Everyday I see more of her in me. I am slowly morphing into her. I hear her when I pray with Chasi on the way to school, I even hear her when my boyfriend speaks. That woman is still everywhere. It’s amazing. 

    It doesn’t get easier, but it does get manageable. My suggestion to anyone dealing with the passing of a loved one allow yourself to grieve in your own way. Allow yourself to be mad, cry, scream, and shout. Whatever you need to do to get out your frustration do it. It’s normal and natural. With your grief however, allow yourself to heal and Go On. Unfortunately, life is not going to pause around you. Enjoy it because clearly nothing is promised. And as Kimberly would say, “Be the best you, you can be”.