Finding Freedom Through Motherhood...

My name is Breck Oxford, I'm 36 years old and I'm a vegan personal chef. 
As I sit here and write this story, I'm both nervous and excited to share my experience which has lead me to exactly where I am now...sitting on a birthing ball awaiting the arrival of my first child, a Sun. One of the first conversations my partner and I had was about how we envisioned childbirth... and we both said, at home in water.  This was 9 years ago...

By 33, I made up my mind that I enjoyed my life without being a mother. I enjoyed not having the responsibility of being "tied down" and being able to pick up and go. I was in an on again off again relationship for 9 years and didn't know where that was headed. I just knew having a child wasn't a part of my story!

After much work on ourselves separately,  dating and even developing feelings for other people we decided that we ( my on and off 9 year love) wanted to be with one another. This was the first real decision I made as a women, having no regard for what anyone thought. We worked hard and found ourselves in a place we've always dreamed of being with one another...happiness. It was light, and we'd been through so much, the only thing left was love. I was beyond ecstatic that everything in my life was how I pictured it. I had the relationship I wanted, a supportive family, friends and my career was headed in the right direction.

November 20, 2016 ( 2 days before my 36 solar return) I found out the unthinkable...I was pregnant!  Great news right?! WRONG. I wanted no parts of this. I called my partner into the bathroom and shared the news, he was filled with so much joy and kissed away my tears of utter disappointment. In fact, I remember saying, "I don't want this". I was pissed.  I thought 'Great, I'm not even a mom yet and my life is already ruined...my bday plans are cancelled, no turn up.' It took me a few months to really accept that I was pregnant.  Then something happened... I fell in love with taking care of this little one growing inside of me. The party girl lifestyle became an afterthought, all I wanted to do was protect my little baby, my personal package. My relationships got stronger and some completely vanished. 

Creating life has shifted my focus, given me a sense of strength and gratitude I've never had before. What I initially thought would "tie me down" has freed me so. I now have the power to say NO! Maybe a small feat for many, but for me going through this beautiful journey has been nothing more than my path towards womanhood. I am no longer in a prison of other people's thoughts and ideas. I am love, I am gratitude and I am an expecting mother.  Thank you Sun for saving me from myself when I didn't even know I needed saving.  I'm looking forward to this next adventure!

Peace, Love & Rainbows

Breck

Birth Of A Midwife

On October 28th, 2013 I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. It was not a joyous discovery but more so it was followed by rejection from the father along with verbal and emotional abuse. I wrestled with major depression during my pregnancy while battling if I should keep my daughter or not. But I was grateful to be surrounded by people that cared. On June 17th I had my daughter and the road has not been easy. Currently, her father is still not present in her life. And I had to eventually let go of the idea of him being present in her life as she approaches her 2nd birthday next month. I grieved a lot through this especially because he is fully involved in the life of his other kids. But I had to hold myself responsible for my part as well. And this had me thinking about other sisters that may be dealing with the same thing. Within  the Black community we have generational curse of broken families. And I grapple with what can be the resolution to begin to mend this. We enter relationships in hopes resolving issues that were created from childhood thinking another party can help to resolve it, But if we are not willing to do the self-work to gain the healing and take responsibility on our own part then how can we truly heal?

On March 25th, 2015 I shared my full story with matermea.com (http://www.matermea.com/blog/2015/3/24/how-having-my-daughter-saved-my-life). I did not share my experience for you to hate him but hope you see that his actions came from his immature child mind state that never dealt with his own issues emotionally, mentally and spiritually. He came from a broken home as well, where he met his father for the first time at the age of twenty-two. He didn’t have a normal upbringing. I’m not making excuses for him. But more so realizing we must take special inventory of the state we are in individually and why we do the things we do. Family composition may not be normal but we are still able to create a safe space for the people involved and children. To make this possible as long we are willing to take responsibility for our actions and willing to do the work towards our own healing for the betterment of the structure of the family, no matter how that may look like because what is a normal family now a days. I also learned, ladies, we cannot think we can go into relationships thinking we can save someone, but most importantly we must see circumstances and people for what and who they are and not what we want them to be. Two sick people cannot know how to love one another. As nurturers, women have a natural tendency to nurture the best out of a person, but what if that person is not ready for that vision you see for them? Will you continue to live off a delusion or accept the situation for what it truly is and being honest with yourself? Will you continue to be emotionally, mentally, and spiritually abused?

You see I knew my daughter's father since the age of 18. I did not know or more so realize he was emotionally abusive until the discovery of my pregnancy. The abuse of any form is never okay. Growing up I watched my mother being physically abused for 7 years by her boyfriend and vowed that would never happen to me. Little did I know I was allowing myself to be abused emotionally by him for so many years and I didn't realize it until I was carrying our daughter. I ignored the signs because I wanted to believe he would change in order for us to be together but that never happened. So on the Fall of 2013 we decided to part ways but 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. There were endless days of arguments, verbal disrespect, blaming me for everything, crying myself to sleep and even drinking during my pregnancy while battling if I should I keep my daughter or not because I feared raising my daughter by myself. I was deeply depressed and had irregular eating. I would go through the process of grieving everything I felt I was losing and will lose because of my “mistake”. It was a very rough transition but with support of my Christian family in Boston and Philadelphia I would of never had made it through. God's grace and mercy displayed through His people is what kept me even when I questioned my own faith. God showed me that He still loved me even though I was being rejected by the one I wanted to finally love me.

Most of all we must be careful who we allow to plant in our gardens and plant spiritual, mental, emotional, verbal, and/or physical seeds because having to uproot those weeds is not easy. The Bible says “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life,” (Proverbs 4:23) and this rings to be so true. All intentions of a person comes from a person’s heart and when the heart is damaged it is very hard for it to come back from.

This is just the beginning for me and I am excited about others I may help by sharing my story. Part of my healing is by helping others and sharing my experience, which lessens my fears and shame little by little. I truly believe my experiences, which I take full responsibility for, were truly blessings to empower me and force me to grow. So in all that I have gone through I express gratitude because I am able to see the mercy, grace and glory in it all from start to finish and it’s far from over. After the birth of my daughter I finally pursued a dream I had since 2000 which is to become a Counseling Midwife. On May 7th, the day before Mother's Day I graduated to receive my diploma and this the best gift a mother can ever have; to achieve a huge accomplishment with my daughter watching. Moving forward we will be relocating to Dallas, Texas so I can become a Certified Professional Midwife as I work as a Doula at the North Dallas Doula Associates www.northdallasdoulas.com. Through everything I see God's redemption through everything. He saved. Is saving me. And will continue to save me by His love for me. I am excited about my daughter's and I future. You ready to take on the world Glorious-Zoelle?

Pregnancy... On... Fleek

I was born to make babies. I have always loved children and have been actively involved in my nieces and nephews growing up, and currently I help run the children’s ministries at my church. So naturally I feel ultra prepped for having babies/children of my own. 

I have been married to the love of my life for 4 years and he did not feel as ready as I was for babies. But that magical day came, on a warm day in August, my husband said he was ready. I knew I was ovulating, based on the signs that I had learned from “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” I had read the book years ago to prevent pregnancy naturally which worked for me. (Side Note I wish this book was required reading for all women)

That day my husband and I had a glorious, magical, steamy session! It was fantastic! I woke up the next morning and I am not sure if it was the Lord or my sub-conscience but I heard the small voice tell me that I am with child. And sure enough 2 weeks later that little pregnancy test from the dollar store confirmed what I had heard that day. 

Now I am happily 8 months pregnant with just 8 more weeks to go. And just like with so many things in life there really is no way of knowing what pregnancy would be like until you yourself are pregnant. I had heard about all the pain at the end while birthing your baby. But I had not heard about all the aches, pains and annoyances along the way to that special day when I get to meet my little guy. 

It started in the first trimester: 

My boobs! Growing so big (awesome! it’s like a free boob job), but then they hurt so much. Even if my husband would just look at them I would wince at the thought of the pain if he were to actually touch them.

Exhaustion, many days I would get home from work so exhausted! It felt as though I could not sleep enough. 

Mood swings, I could go from happy to depressed on a moments notice. So I decided to stay home and binge watch Netflix rather than socialize and make a fool out of myself.

Cravings, I normally abstain from carbs but now carbs were are all I wanted. Chips and noodles all day, every day. 

Pain, sex was painful the whole first trimester. My hips getting wider hurt. My back hurts. Sleeping on my side is uncomfortable. Bending down is hard. Standing too much hurts my feet. 

Many of these symptoms were only temporary, some have left for good while others have made come backs. 

What helps me feeling my best are the typical things, like eating right and exercising (I love running). And then there are other things: 

Tummy butter which I owe my lack of stretch marks to and refusing to itch helps too. (I wish I had known about the effects of stretch mark prevention creams during my growth spurts in high school!)

Belly support band helps support my back during my workouts and short runs. 

Icon undies help me stay dry and comfortable all day. My birth canal just seems to get more moist everyday as I inch toward delivery, and then there is the fear of peeing my pants from my sweet baby playing with my bladder. I haven’t had an accident like that yet but wearing my icon undies is like having an insurance policy, I am insured that if I do have an accident that only I will know.

It’s the little things in life like not feeling itchy, having less back pain and being dry down there that is helping me get through this season of being awkwardly big and uncomfortable.

I also like to speak positively to my discomforts: 

Thank you leaking boobs, for you will make incredible food for my baby boy. Thank you aching hips for getting wide enough to birth this big baby boy. Thank you discharge for getting amped up to help my baby slip out. And thank you son for kicking and punching to tell me that you are alive and doing well. Mommy loves you so much already.

The Hallway

Paige, Singer/ Songwriter. 

I've often been one to wonder when people say they want to know you, see ALL of who you are, do they have the slightest clue as to what they're really asking? Often times we ask this of loved ones, frankly, with no idea of the magnitude of the request and upon such revealing are not equipped to handle what we see.  For most of my life I felt as if I was in competition with who I truly am and the idea of what others assume I must be- whether hero or villain or not part of the story at all. As much as I longed to be seen, I also found a strange comfort in these presumptions. They became a hiding place. I reasoned that whomever others made me out to be was far more acceptable and less disappointing than who I actually was.  If they saw all the scars, all the pain, and knew all the secrets, I so desperately and meticulously kept hidden in my darkest places, would anyone still care enough to know me beyond that or would these unfortunate happenings of my life become the moniker by which I am now solely defined? 

I was always a "good girl" growing up - I had a bit of a smart mouth... well, let's be honest I still do- but I wasn't a kid you had to worry about getting into anything too racy. I had a Christian upbringing with not one not two, but three pastors in the family. I have two of the world's greatest parents (seriously, they're amazing!) who love the absolute mess out of me and did nothing but build me up, support my dreams, and shower me with unconditional love. Yet, somewhere down the road, thoughts of unworthiness and not being enough slowly began to stake their claim and take up full-time, permanent residence in my mind. It started with the everyday, run of the mill self- degradation. Speaking things over myself like, "I'm ugly," "My hair isn't straight enough or long enough," "I'm too tall," and "I'm fat" (this bad boy still likes to hang around from time to time). One might say, this is just normal stuff young girls struggle with, but it's like I received this starter kit for insecurity and with every new subscription the damage was deeper and deeper and harder to recover. 

I wouldn't say I was boy crazy when I was younger. I mean, I had my fair share of crushes, but I was such a tomboy back then that the fellas usually saw me as one of the guys rather than an actual girl. I was, however, and still am the BIGGEST daddy's girl you'll ever meet. My dad has been and will always be my hero. He taught me everything from how to hoop to how to spot a no good punk (as he likes to call them, lol) from a mile away. He gave me my love for music. He taught me to be strong, to be daring, to dream recklessly, and to not give a **** what other people think about me. Well, he can't get all the credit because my ridiculously bombastic momma was right there showing me how to do all the above with dignity and class. Coming from such deep love I often ruminate on how I would eventually drift so far and become so unaware of that love. What was the seed and at what moment was it planted?

As I got older, I couldn't find any value in myself, so I placed it in the hands of others- particularly boyfriends. I had developed this amazing ability of finding the worst absolute option for me and then convincing myself that based on how much they changed and loved me, in response to my naive, unwavering love for them, it would show once and for all that I am valuable- I am worth something. Problem with this theory is that 1). It sucked and 2). IT NEVER WORKED. In fact, I would always end up worse off than I started. I got to a place where I felt so broken and so desperate to feel whole. This desperation caused me to look for completion and validation just about everywhere except the right places. Poor judgment calls and compromise were all too familiar.  I became unrecognizable to myself or maybe this is who I just am, I would question. All in all I hadn't been too kind to myself, but I wasn't a total lost cause. Then came the decision that changed me forever. 

The day I found out I was pregnant all I remember is that I felt frozen. I hadn't been feeling well for awhile and thought maybe I had some kind of stomach virus so I finally went one day to the college clinic to get checked out. I thought it was just a matter of getting some fluids, an antibiotic and then I'm good. Boy, did I totally miss that by a long shot. It was like a scene out of a movie, when life is happening around the main character but they're stuck in slow motion. Yep, that was me. I know the doctor was talking because her lips were moving, but I couldn't hear a word. Hundreds of millions of thoughts must of been running through my mind at the same time. "How did this happen?" "This doctor is all wrong," "this can't be happening to me," "God is punishing me," "I'm not this girl." It felt as if every thought in my brain was screaming at me then suddenly silenced by one sentence, "here are your options should you decide to terminate." Terminate, what does she mean terminate? Never did I think I would be in this predicament, but I was so sure that, if by chance I was, there wouldn't be any other choice but to keep the baby.  Nonetheless, here I was barely 18, scared out of my mind and all alone with a haunting whisper of one word playing over and over... Terminate.

I sat in the waiting room, for what felt like days. I kept imagining myself getting up, busting through the doors and sprinting out of there, but every time I opened my eyes I was reminded I had not been so brave. They called my name and led me down, what I like to call, "the hallway of the conflicted." Never had I so clearly been at war with my mind and heart before. My mind was muddied with the opinionated voices of the obligatory counselor, who had no problem reiterating 77 times how young I was and that I had my whole future ahead of me so don't ruin it...the one friend I had confided in by default because I needed someone to drive me home, who pretty much shared the same views as my poor man's Dr. Phil...AND the 50% partner of this grand mess who was very adamant that I was doing this all on purpose and any other option would destroy his life. Every now and then I would hear the faint cry of my heart pleading with me to just walk away. Reassuring me that as hard and scary as it all appears, God is with me and won't let me drown. The cries weren't loud enough and, In the end, I denied my heart, went against everything I believed in and made a fear-driven choice that, 12 years later, I still live with everyday. 

The years following were pretty tough to say the least. I didn't take what I did lightly and I carried it as my own personal scarlet letter. I wore shame and guilt like some sort of twisted prize. Not many knew of what I'd been through. It's not necessarily the best conversation piece and, honestly, I couldn't handle seeing the potential disappointment and maybe even disgust on the faces of people I love. But don't worry, I judged myself more than enough for all of them. I did this until one day, years later, locked in my room, crying my eyes out and praying hysterically I realized I needed to stop punishing myself. I had convinced myself I was so undeserving of love and forgiveness that I accepted with arms wide open any all hardships and heartbreaks. Then here comes God, in the midst of my darkest moments, swooping in with what felt like a blanket of grace covering me with the very love and acceptance I had been longing for all along, telling me that I am not the sum of my mistakes. I am more than my failures and misdeeds. Thus began the work of putting back together this broken vessel. I had to go back to the beginning and face every insecurity that had taken ownership of my spirit. The road has been a long one and sure as hell ain't been easy, but I wouldn't be the woman I am today without it. I may be a portrait of flaws, but I am His masterpiece. In this truth is where I have found my hope. Now I can, wholly, be seen.

Postpartum Hair Snapback (a.k.a. Hair Hymen)

Samantha Brown. Mom of three kiddos/ Wife/ Actor/ Writer/ Speaker.  Follow via Instagram @sambrownsugar

Six years ago, I was pregnant with my first child. My hair was PERFECTION! The coils were curling just right, so much so, that I would tend to forget that I am NOT of mixed ethnicity! Seriously... my curly, twist out hair looked like a wig. It was full, shining, long, even, bouncy and beautiful! Then, I birthed my son. That's when I pretty much fell off with the constant hair care that black women un-naturally go through to achieve the "natural" look. Before you know it, I looked like a frizzy fro-ed monk! I had dry tumbleweed looking hair, with a bald spot in the center of my head. My previous go to hair products were NOT working!  I eventually figured out that with every pregnancy, miscarriage and postpartum experience, my hair went through something tragic! Tragic like a car accident. Seriously, I would look somewhat groomed and then BOOM, my hair looked like it got up off my head and got hit by a Mack truck... not me, JUST MY HAIR!!

In regards to postpartum, people rarely if ever discuss HAIR... on your head...OR your nether regions (but I will save the latter of the two for a different day.),  For some reason, after having a baby, the conversation about the "snap back," is usually, if not always, referring to your body in terms of weight loss, energy boost, firmness/muscle tone... but not hair.  Just as my daughter is now turning 10 months, my hair is finally doing the "SNAPBACK"!  I have once again found a new product that works for me. Plus, now that baby girl is getting a little older, I now have a half a minute more to actually properly twist my hair. In addition, I actually once again have somewhat of a desire to go someplace other than my bed to get some much needed sleep!

Be encouraged new mommies, when time allows it, you will begin to see your better self again. Give yourself time to recover.  A whole person was formed in you, and came out of you...There's gonna be some repercussions. But I'm here to let you know, when you get that natural spring coil back,  it's like somebody gave you back your hymen! Yes... a hair hymen!