Brandee's Self Love Letter

When I was asked to write a love letter to myself, my initial reaction was “Sure, thats easy!”. I quickly found out the opposite. As I sat and thought about what I wanted to say to myself, it got me thinking about how i love in general? Im not that poetic girl who reads Maya Angelou poems and can quote “Phenomenal Woman, Thats Me” at the drop of a dime. I don't watch Super Soul Sundays. Heck, I have trouble writing a deep message on the inside of a birthday card! All that to say, I realized I’m not a “talker” I’m a “do-er"... a woman of action. I may not always have the right words to say, but I can cook you a pot of collard greens to make you feel better. So thats what I’m going to do for my younger self.

I decided to give my 12yr old self a check list of sorts... a way to "do over" if you will, some of my 34yr old selfs mistakes. An almanac... a cheat sheet. I realized that the best way to show myself love is to "Do" or "Do Over".. Here it goes:

Hey Bran, I know its rough being a pre-teen, you just got your period and you have no idea where to put that stick thingy mom gave you. Your wondering when your going to get some “boobies” (they will come). In the meantime, call Dad. I know he's been a mess lately with the drinking but he wont be here for long and your going to regret not talking to him more. Days like your wedding day (yes, your getting married!) and when your son is born (yes, your gonna be a mom too!) and many more times in your life. So please put the hard feelings to the side and just give him a big hug and a kiss (and and extra from me).

A few years later when your in high school, you’re going to have your first heart break. Sorry, but it wont be the last, and if it makes you feel any better they get easier overtime. This first heartbreak however, don't let it rob you of your identity. Keep that virginity you hold so sacred. Don’t give it to him, he’s not worth it! However, you did get a good hair cut after it was all said and done (you tend to cut your hair when major life changes happen). Don’t waste your time stressing and fighting girls at school over his philandering ways. Focus on school and dance team (your going to need it). In general, the first sign a bullsh*t from him RUN!

When you're 25, your dream of a life as a professional dancer will come true! Please enjoy it. You worked so hard to get there. Mom sacrificed a lot for it - driving you back and forth to classes 5 days a week, skipping house bills to buy recital costumes. It will be one of the best times in your life. Don’t stress yourself out thinking about whats next, enjoy the moment. Enjoy your hard work. You're good enough. Don’t cry at night comparing yourself to everyone else. You're where you are for a reason and the reason is YOU! You have so much light and life inside of you, don't let your past disappointments rob you of such an amazing experience. So you were asked to loose 10lbs bc all the other dancers are tall and thin and your short and thick...such ugly words you use to describe yourself! Your not short and thick... your petite and curvy.  AND anyways, in 5 more years, people are going to be buying the curves you have, so just look at it as fashion forward. You can still dance them all to the ground! Love yourself!

Overall Bran, you have it in you to do and be whatever you want! Keep pushing yourself and believing in you when nobody else does. There’s literally nothing that can stop you, and remember I LOVE YOU!

P.S. Avoid dating any guy whose name starts with a C, T, D or R!!!! 

To be young, gifted, and black....

I voted for the 1st time in my entire life this year…

A little back-story: I was raised very conservative Christian growing up, I was a preacher/minister and voting was seen as not trusting in God and His plans. So, I didn’t vote, I didn’t voice a political opinion, and I remained neutral every election. 

My revolutionary spirit was always present, always showing up throughout my life. I was the kid that would “take the spanking to do what I wanted”. Becoming a midwife was a revolutionary act, choosing to focus on the Black community and our reproductive health disparities was a revolutionary act. Choosing to give birth to my children at home was a revolutionary act. So I was always on my way to where I am now. 

So this year, WELL on the other side of divorce, single parenthood, birth center owner, and midwifery student preceptor, a major shift had taken place. It took work, an abundance of self love, sometimes therapy, meditation, lots of dancing and taking pride in a life I’ve created for myself and these three beautiful children I had given birth to.  

When this presidential election rolled around, to say I was concerned would be an understatement.  I quietly rooted for “The Bern”, and gave a little cheese to my homegirls that were fundraising for him. I even went to a couple fundraising dinners and events. When it became apparent that he wouldn’t be in the final running, I KNEW it was time…my ass HAD to VOTE! I wasn’t going to possibly face the WORST president in my lifetime and NOT have my say, I was gonna help keep him OUT of the white house!

I registered with a 68 year old Black woman named Doreen, in front of my local grocery store. She cried when I was finished and told me about getting spat on the first time she went to vote, and that she was proud of me. “We only have one option dear heart, so we have to support this woman we know and don’t trust.” 

I read articles about the propositions and measures; I used two media groups I respect to read about all the options. I made a list and went and did the damn thing, I voted. Where I was prepared for all of this to go any kind of way, I was not prepared for my children’s responses. 

The morning I had to tell my children that Trump had won the electoral votes and would more than likely be the president of the United States, it didn’t go well, at all. 

The youngest of my children is 5 years old, and she immediately started crying. “But Mama he’s a BAD BAD MAN, he touched peoples privates and says not nice things about my friends! He can’t be the president of the all the states!! Nooo MAMA!!”  

My middle son is 10 years old, he only knows Obama, that is his reality, his preference (for many reasons) and he is a child that does not like change. He came close and hugged me for what felt like an hour. Then he looked me dead in my eyes and asked, “Mama, is he gonna try and make us slaves again? Cause I would fight that”

My eldest is 12 years old, and he just quietly shook his head and asked if I would “do the sage before we go to school Mama?”

So I smudged them with sage, and I burned my sacred oils & resins. We sang along with Nina Simone’s “Young, Gifted, and Black” LOUD on the way to school with the windows rolled down. At a stop light on Crenshaw the cars next to us nodded, they understood and when I dropped them off we told each other how much we love each other and I told them “Be Brilliant!” I cried as soon as they were safely inside school.

I feel like my little pebble of a vote and my daily affirmations of empowerment to my children are making a difference. The presidential candidate I voted for didn’t “win”, and my children will continue to be Black children in America. A country full of people that show them every day they are of little to no value, and now a president elect that is supported by millions who will openly behave in such a way that will continue to support racism. 

Fortunately their mama is healer…with a machete, who will always FIGHT for their physical, emotional, spiritual well-being. They will ALWAYS KNOW they are #BlackExcellence and can be whatever they believe they want to be. 

14 Reasons (and counting) on why I love being a black woman...

I love being black. I love my skin... the color of it... the texture. I love how there is not one crayon that matches its brown pigment exactly. I love the various shades we as black women cover.  I love that our hair, a lot like our history, will not simply lay down... it rises...defying gravity...bucking against the weight of it all, and creates culture. I asked a few of my close friends, and all around amazing black women to share why they love being black, and why there's no place they would rather be than in this skin... 

"Black women were created of brown sugar and raw honey. Be wary of anyone who tells you otherwise." - Alex Elle 

"I love being black. I love being a black woman! I love my skin. It is rich, of color. I am a true child of the sun. I love the sun, and as a woman of color, I revel in the kiss of the sun, knowing it only deepens my complexion and warms and invigorates my soul!" - Kimberly Durdin
 

"From my hips to my lips I'm beautiful! From my eyes to my thighs I'm beautiful! From my hair to my hue I'm beautiful! My love, my laughter, my rhythm, my voice and my smile are embodiments of the original woman... and she is fearfully and wonderfully made. For that reason, black is the skin that I'm in... and it is awesome!" - Angela J. Williams

"As women, we are manifestations of grace, confidence, and class. Being black women's the exclamation point, the soul. We have a responsibility to carry ourselves in a way that not only uplifts ourselves, but our daughters, our sisters, our mother and grandmothers. Our history and our experiences, both individually and collectively, make us interesting, intricate, and powerful. Let us wear it like the light of the universe." - Jeanette Polynice

"Being a black woman is beautiful to me because we're phenomenal. Literally. Given all the countless obstacles that we're faced with, we always overcome them with resilience. We have this confidence, charisma, and elegance that's embedded in us from birth. We're beautiful. Being a black woman is something that I'm extremely proud of, and it shows by the way I speak, the way I move, and by the way I raise my children. I'm enamored by black women, and by the skin I'm in. I pray to God daily for allowing me to be this woman, to be a strong black woman, to be able to showing spread pride. Black women... Queens." - Courtney Warwick

"Because this is the skin that was created by my ancestors, and beneath it there is so much black wisdom, joy, pain and struggle. And to me, that is beautiful.. and when I look in the mirror that is what I see."  -Erica Chidi-Cohen

"Because I was created by an intentional, loving and perfect God and He chose the skin I would live in and so I wear it with pride knowing I've been fearfully and wonderfully made." - Venice Robinson

"I absolutely love my skin. It's one of the things that makes me feel confident. I also know that I've been given a unique opportunity (when traveling) to expose those who may not regularly be around black women to know what a real black women is like, as opposed to what may be portrayed of us on television and in media." -Anjelica Malone

"Being a black woman reminds me of being a badass unicorn. I feel unique, beautiful, powerful and hold unprecedented value. I love being black and feel every black woman should feel as powerful and valued as God created them to be." -Claudia DeMarco

"I believe it is a divine gift to be a black woman. I believe my spirit carries the strength of my ancestors. That alone gives me the ability to transcend beyond any barriers this world creates."    -Ashley Sirah Chea

"As a Black woman in America, I know ALL of the cards are stacked against me. Fiscally, socially... So waking up each morning filled with self love, hearing my children's laughter and reading aloud. Showing them how to grow food and eating healthy. Doing work I love with smart and empowered families. ALL of these things make my teeth white and cause me to joyfully laugh with my ENTIRE being 'cause my Black is beautifully beaming and succeeding!!!" -Racha Tahani Lawler

"Being born a black woman has allowed me to experience life in a way that I feel I could only get by being black. I've lived in the worst of ghettos to the most beautiful hotels on earth and all
the layers in between have given me the soulfulness that makes me me. I think my skin and my hair are expressions of what I've been thru in my life good and bad" -Brandee Harris  

"My mother taught me as a child that our African heritage is a gift. Why would I reject what I was born to be? I am a Black woman. My mother is a Black woman. My sisters are Black women. This is who I am, who we are, and I am so grateful." - Chika Roulet

Photo Credit: John Esparza




 

Uncovering The Bravery Within

It took me a while to figure out what not-so-private-part of me I wanted to share. Truthfully, because I’m in a new space in my journey where I’m rediscovering myself. I would jot down notes - take a break. Entertain the thought again, and then busy myself with the kids. The thought of sharing something intimate made my chest tight and my breath heavy. But I knew this was exactly why (and what) I needed to share. 

I’m a non-confrontational person by nature. Occasionally, passive aggressive even…sometimes to a fault. I'm not one for drama. Notoriously known for being the “peacemaker”, I feel much more comfortable being a force behind the scenes; a worker bee rather than in the lime light. In fact, i’ve never been comfortable with being the center of attention, and I really hadn't become conscious of this until adulthood. 

I didn’t grow up in a home that fostered fear. My parents were incredibly encouraging and supportive. They always told me I could do whatever I put my mind to. They put me in practically every activity I expressed interest in - piano, art, tennis, ballet, etc. - but I didn’t stick with many of them. As I grew older, I reasoned that my list of experiences made me eclectic and cultured. And while I'm sure those were contributing benefits, in many ways I was being non confrontational within my very own being. I hated feeling uncomfortable. I feared the eyes of the crowd watching my every moved. I feared being a failure. So if it didn’t come naturally to me, or if it required being but on display, I shied away from it. I enjoyed taking piano lessons, but when the subject of recitals came up, I peaced out. I loved playing tennis and thought how cool playing at Wimbledon might be, but that meant you had to show up for matches right? Thankfully, most things did come fairly easily, but I developed a somewhat false sense of bravery. 

I used to think I was outgoing. And while thats not totally untrue, I took to rationalizing things to justify fears. In college I initially intended on studying fashion design, but thought the fashion industry may be volatile (truth moment :: I watched the devil wears Prada and it scared the living daylights out of me. I was not cut out for all that cut throat tom-foolery) and majored in marketing instead. When I reflected back on instances like this that sprinkle my past, I knew it was something that needed to be addressed. ASAP

I wanted to be brave and not just the pseudo courage I’d project in situations I could predict the outcome. But the kind of bravery that holds when conditions are uncomfortable. Brave when I have absolutely no power over the end result. Brave when my best may not beat out someone else’s, but I still come out of the process knowing I'm enough and that my efforts were valiant. Now that I’ve become a mother, I didn't want my children to see that in me. Although they must create their own path, I want them to know they are capable of anything and for them to have very best model of courage in front of them. I needed my legacy to be one of perseverance; for myself, for my children, and anyone else watching. 

Well, be careful what you ask for because 2015 was a tumultuous year and my opportunities for an acts of valor came knocking. One of my biggest test, was going through divorce. Life as I knew it with my love and companion for nearly a decade was coming to an end. All those familiar feelings came rushing back. This wasn’t at all what I wanted for my life and after trying several different remedies, it was truly the last option. But I could already feel the judging eyes, and hear the whisper of prying questions. I didn't want people to think I didn't try. I didn't want to be seen as a failure. But a divorce isn’t a matter of failure. It’s an act of bravery. It was an opportunity to courageously let each other go; Not because it was the easy thing to do, but because it was the right thing to do. I wanted our children to see love in the healthiest way possible, even if that meant being apart.  Moreover, I knew in that moment and the subsequent moments to follow, there was no turning away. This time I chose to face my fears. 

Each day in our lives offers opportunities for acts of bravery, big and small. Don't shy away from your path. While the outcomes are uncertain, courage is the gateway to healing and new beginnings. Once I made that choice to press through, I started living more beautifully and purposefully than I ever had when I let fear hold me back. If you're not willing to challenge yourself, you're not living. Your complying with life. You must address the obstacles ahead, follow your heart, and stay the course. That is the true test of courage.

Finding Freedom Through Motherhood...

My name is Breck Oxford, I'm 36 years old and I'm a vegan personal chef. 
As I sit here and write this story, I'm both nervous and excited to share my experience which has lead me to exactly where I am now...sitting on a birthing ball awaiting the arrival of my first child, a Sun. One of the first conversations my partner and I had was about how we envisioned childbirth... and we both said, at home in water.  This was 9 years ago...

By 33, I made up my mind that I enjoyed my life without being a mother. I enjoyed not having the responsibility of being "tied down" and being able to pick up and go. I was in an on again off again relationship for 9 years and didn't know where that was headed. I just knew having a child wasn't a part of my story!

After much work on ourselves separately,  dating and even developing feelings for other people we decided that we ( my on and off 9 year love) wanted to be with one another. This was the first real decision I made as a women, having no regard for what anyone thought. We worked hard and found ourselves in a place we've always dreamed of being with one another...happiness. It was light, and we'd been through so much, the only thing left was love. I was beyond ecstatic that everything in my life was how I pictured it. I had the relationship I wanted, a supportive family, friends and my career was headed in the right direction.

November 20, 2016 ( 2 days before my 36 solar return) I found out the unthinkable...I was pregnant!  Great news right?! WRONG. I wanted no parts of this. I called my partner into the bathroom and shared the news, he was filled with so much joy and kissed away my tears of utter disappointment. In fact, I remember saying, "I don't want this". I was pissed.  I thought 'Great, I'm not even a mom yet and my life is already ruined...my bday plans are cancelled, no turn up.' It took me a few months to really accept that I was pregnant.  Then something happened... I fell in love with taking care of this little one growing inside of me. The party girl lifestyle became an afterthought, all I wanted to do was protect my little baby, my personal package. My relationships got stronger and some completely vanished. 

Creating life has shifted my focus, given me a sense of strength and gratitude I've never had before. What I initially thought would "tie me down" has freed me so. I now have the power to say NO! Maybe a small feat for many, but for me going through this beautiful journey has been nothing more than my path towards womanhood. I am no longer in a prison of other people's thoughts and ideas. I am love, I am gratitude and I am an expecting mother.  Thank you Sun for saving me from myself when I didn't even know I needed saving.  I'm looking forward to this next adventure!

Peace, Love & Rainbows

Breck