Birthing Jupiter (Part 1)

November 7th. 5:30am, I was awakened by strong contractions. Could this be it? Probably not. Up until that point, for the past few weeks, I had experienced prodromal labor. These few weeks had been riddled with all kinds of starts and stops of labor. It was torture. In addition, Jon and I were experiencing major anxiety, due to him being abroad for work. Although he was originally reluctant, we eventually both agreed that it would be a good idea for him to take the work opportunity, thus gifting our family something we hadn’t had before with any of our previous births... a little bit of a nest egg... an opportunity to pause. Although we both agreed that this would be best, we were aware of the possibility of Jon missing the birth. It was a bit of a gamble. For weeks, we pleaded with Jupiter to either come before Daddy left or to wait for him to return.

During the Summer leading up to Jupiter’s birth, our family had experienced a lot. In addition to Jon’s travel schedule, Jon’s mom became ill and passed away in September. He in turn had to handle her affairs while still working. I was still working and supporting families well into my third trimester. I was put on bed rest at 35 weeks due to preterm contractions and just overall stress. Our family’s goal was to keep baby Jupiter in as long as possible. Our goal was to have a home birth. I followed my Midwife’s (Racha Tahani Lawler) orders and remained on bed rest from 35 weeks until 37, (which by law, is when we could officially have our home birth.)

Around 5:00 pm, I picked up Jax up from school and opted to grab a pizza for dinner. On the way home, I began having contractions again. These seemed stronger. They were closer together. When I arrived home, my good friend, Aishat, called just to check in & encourage me to call my midwife. Truthfully, I didn’t think I was in labor. After speaking with my midwife, we had a game plan. I would call her when my contractions were at least five minutes apart.

My dear friend, Kelly called. From there everything sorta snowballed. My contractions began to come closer together. Like 3-5 minutes apart! Kelly began counting contractions while calling & rallying the birthing team. She was also in communication with Jon. She prayed and stayed with me on the phone until all birthing support arrived! She was absolutely everything.

Around 9pm Racha, our midwife, Nicole our doula, and Rebecca Coursey our birth photographer arrived. It was actually happening. This was it. (To be continued...)

Cultivate Peace.

We are officially in the homestretch… Truthfully, I feel as if I have been pregnant for 5,011 weeks. I can’t see my toes. Hell, I can’t see my vagina. Anything from the waist down (legs included) are a complete guessing game. As I've written before, this pregnancy has not only felt completely different than my previous pregnancies, but it has taught me some beautiful lessons along the way. I have learned to trust my body. I have learned to lean into the truth that I know what's best for me and this body that serves me every single day. I’ve learned that my joy… my happiness is imperative. I discovered that placing boundaries in order to protect my joy is not only necessary but wise. I have begun to practice what I preach in regards to leaning on my village! Truthfully, this has been easier said than done.

During this pregnancy of Baby Stereo, I have been busier than ever! At least busier, than at any time during my previous pregnancies. Between juggling postpartum doula clients, to planning and executing Moms In Color Events, to simply being a mama while my husband is traveling abroad for work, its been a lot. I've had to be a lot more gentle and kind to myself, and rid myself of the notion that somehow, someway, I could balance it all at once. I had to be present and in the moment. The moment that I tried to take on too much would prove to be the moment that my pregnant body would let me know that perhaps I should slow it down.

Around 29 weeks, I started having Braxton Hicks. No biggie. Totally normal for these warm-up contractions to begin. But then, I noticed that these practice contractions would become a bit more intense depending on what I was doing or viewing (Side Note: Dear pregnant people, be mindful of what you take in visually during pregnancy. More on that later.) Around 31 weeks, the Braxton Hicks became a bit more intense. At 33 weeks, (after watching something online that perhaps I shouldn’t have…) I had a Braxton hicks contraction that felt a bit painful. Was I in early labor? I couldn’t be. That week, my midwife and I both decided that perhaps it was time for me to journey to the exotic destination of bed and couch island.

While on bed and couch island, I decided to try out my new Bloomlife Monitor. Bloomlife is a women's resource that allows preggo people to monitor contraction information in real time. It provides information such as the duration of contractions, as well as frequency via a sensor gently placed three fingers below your belly button. The Bloomlife monitor gathers this information without the use of ultrasound and is completely non-invasive/ passive. This means, that this monitor is safe for continuous use. For me, the non-invasive component played a big part in my decision to take this monitor for a test drive. I’m a super chill mama, who has opted to have a homebirth. I am super reluctant about putting any "beepy" things on my body. This felt like a good middle ground for gathering information regarding what was happening in my body and not feeling as though I was feeding the technological monster. What I loved about the Bloomlife is that it doesn’t tell you when to call the midwife or when to pack your bags and head to the hospital. It is simply a tool to empower you to make an informed decision. The contraction information gathered can be viewed on your mobile device via the Bloomlife App.

Lastly, I feel that combining intuition with a resource such as the Bloomlife Monitor can be super helpful in supporting parents as they gear up to their labor journey. The monitor can be used simply as confirmation of your intuitive instinct. Which leads lead me to my final point. Trust yourself. Know yourself. If you are the kind of birthing person, who by seeing information real time, provides you peace, then the Bloomlife is for you. If you are the kind of birthing person, who by seeing information real time, could leave you feeling overwhelmed… Perhaps it may prove beneficial to have a friend, your partner, or your support system keep an eye out as the contraction monitor does its thing! Do what brings you the most peace and comfort. Do what feels right for you, and what leaves you feeling most empowered and supported. Gather all the joy… all the peace… lean into your deep intuitive birthing essence.

Cultivate Joy

The word joy has been resonating with me this ENTIRE pregnancy. More specifically, cultivating joy. During this pregnancy, while I have been overwhelmed by love and support, I have had to find the balance between celebrating and grieving, all at the same time. I have had to hold space and allow myself to sit with uncomfortable truths. I have had to grieve the loss of the baby that we lost only a month before conceiving our second rainbow babe. I have had to grieve the loss of my mother (because pregnancy has a way of bringing it all to the surface.)  I have had to grieve and sit with the uncomfortable truth that I may never be as close to certain extended family members as I would like. All of these truths are currently reality. It doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel comfortable.

Truthfully, for someone like me, I hate sitting in discomfort. It sucks. My natural tendency is to avoid it all together. What does that look like? For me, avoidance looks like subjecting myself to same behaviors or thought patterns, hoping for a different outcome, all to avoid the truth. This pregnancy is where I finally sat with it all and didn't try to change IT or OTHERS. This time around, I sat in the discomfort and stared the truth square in the eyes. It hurt. I found that by sitting with the truth and acknowledging it as a reality that holds the possibility to change (or not) with no help from yours truly, it didn't break me. I found that by acknowledging these things that could not change, I was able to focus most effectively on the things that I could change. I was able to truly cultivate joy.

I began focusing on the healthy relationships that are present. I began to examine friendships/ relationships (business or personal) with the same light as I would examine the food that I ingest. Is it toxic? Does it bring life? Is it harmful? I began to celebrate this rainbow pregnancy, while also allowing myself to pause and feel sad for the loss that I had previously experienced. I listened to what felt good on the inside and didn't question.

So, what does Joy mean? It means, acknowledging reality or truth, yet choosing to see/find joy in what also is truth. For me, it means acknowledging that while I am not as close as I would like to be in certain extended family relationships, I have no shortage of a village within my friendships and within my immediate family unit (my husband and boys).  It means acknowledging, that while there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my mother,  I have great hope that although she is not present in physical form, she is not absent in spirit.  For me, cultivating joy means acknowledging the loss and all the feelings that come along with it. It means pausing and holding space for myself, all while trusting and accepting that I may never know the why of loss, but perhaps my body knows. Joy means holding space for the present, because it truly is a gift. 

A Lesson During Morning Meditation

Lately, my mind has been centering around peace... resolve... balance. This morning, as I began my morning meditation, my little one, Jedi, crawled into bed alongside me. Now, I think that it's imperative that I include that in the morning (and in life), Jedi completely lacks a sense of personal space. Especially when it comes to me, mommy. Oftentimes, when we wake up, he will find me and either place his little hands on my face and sweetly whisper super close to my nose, eyeball, chin or some oddly placed region of my face (where most seldom choose to whisper.) Sometimes he will find me and pull my shirt over his head. I'm guessing that he's reminiscing about our morning nursing sessions. (Sidenote: He officially weaned two months ago.). Of course, by now, it's becoming a bit more difficult for him to pull my shirt over his head, as my belly is beginning to take up the majority of the space. Jedi takes space. His joy fills our room in the morning. Truthfully, I wouldn't have it any other way. This morning was no different. 

This morning, as I was meditating, Jedi crawled into bed and began his morning Jedi mind tricks. Truthfully, it was a bit difficult to stay focused on my breath and centered with a toddler pulling my face, jumping on the bed, and basically being a toddler. In that moment, distraction in the form of my little one was front and center. However, at the moment, I realized that while I couldn't change the distraction/ the environment (and why would I?) I could change my viewpoint. I could change my focus. I could stay with my breath, paying attention to how freely my chest would rise and fall on each inhale and exhale. I could pay attention to the air flowing in and out of each nostril. Within that moment, my child was safe. He was in our bed. Our children are healthy and full of life. This is a gift.

The beautiful lesson at that moment was not lost. In the midst of the distraction, I didn't lose focus on my breath. There will always be a demand on your time, your energy, your self. There will always be distractions, even beautiful ones. However, continue to breathe, to capture peace, to embrace all of the joy. Pour into yourself, so that you can contunue to pour into those that matter most. Take space and then return. How are you breathing today? 

Retreat, Rest and Return

I took a breath. A much-needed breath. In January, our family experienced a loss, a miscarriage. In March, I found out we were pregnant again. I received this news after birthing our Moms In Color Conference. I was completely unaware that I was pregnant the entire time, of our event. The cherry on top would be that my husband was out of the country, working, virtually the entirety of my first trimester. This left me with caring for myself and our growing babe and caring for our two boys, solo (but not so solo, as Jon was still super involved)  for two and a half months. It was a lot. I had to purposefully, decide that I was important, that I was necessary. 

Resting is necessary. Whether it be resting from screen time to connect deeply with those who matter most, or simply unplugging, the reward will always be life-giving. I learned that by simply resting and taking a moment to reflect, to go inward, to sit in whatever it was that I was feeling, I would always walk away feeling clearer and most centered. 

Creating space for oneself isn't selfish. It's beautiful. Creating boundaries to shape that space is necessary. I knew that in order for me to show up for my two boys and this growing babe, I had to show up for myself. I realized that I would have to take space and that no one was going to simply offer that said space. I would have to take it and water it, with the same care that I water my plants. I knew that if I were to flourish and grow, I would have to create the soil that fostered just that. Truthfully, taking time to pause and to take care, was and is an act of resistance in and of itself. Demanding space within a world that pauses for no one, is an act of beautiful rebellion in its truest form. In fact, some may treat your ability to Selah as an act of treason. Selah, anyway. 

During this rest, I took a break from the blog, returning some emails, text messages, and some DM's. I stepped away from any and all things that felt toxic and/or stagnant, both virtually and in real life. I guarded my eyes, my ears, and my heart.  Then, I returned... I am still returning. 

How are you taking space for yourself today? How are you resting? How are you growing?