Birth Of A Midwife

On October 28th, 2013 I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. It was not a joyous discovery but more so it was followed by rejection from the father along with verbal and emotional abuse. I wrestled with major depression during my pregnancy while battling if I should keep my daughter or not. But I was grateful to be surrounded by people that cared. On June 17th I had my daughter and the road has not been easy. Currently, her father is still not present in her life. And I had to eventually let go of the idea of him being present in her life as she approaches her 2nd birthday next month. I grieved a lot through this especially because he is fully involved in the life of his other kids. But I had to hold myself responsible for my part as well. And this had me thinking about other sisters that may be dealing with the same thing. Within  the Black community we have generational curse of broken families. And I grapple with what can be the resolution to begin to mend this. We enter relationships in hopes resolving issues that were created from childhood thinking another party can help to resolve it, But if we are not willing to do the self-work to gain the healing and take responsibility on our own part then how can we truly heal?

On March 25th, 2015 I shared my full story with matermea.com (http://www.matermea.com/blog/2015/3/24/how-having-my-daughter-saved-my-life). I did not share my experience for you to hate him but hope you see that his actions came from his immature child mind state that never dealt with his own issues emotionally, mentally and spiritually. He came from a broken home as well, where he met his father for the first time at the age of twenty-two. He didn’t have a normal upbringing. I’m not making excuses for him. But more so realizing we must take special inventory of the state we are in individually and why we do the things we do. Family composition may not be normal but we are still able to create a safe space for the people involved and children. To make this possible as long we are willing to take responsibility for our actions and willing to do the work towards our own healing for the betterment of the structure of the family, no matter how that may look like because what is a normal family now a days. I also learned, ladies, we cannot think we can go into relationships thinking we can save someone, but most importantly we must see circumstances and people for what and who they are and not what we want them to be. Two sick people cannot know how to love one another. As nurturers, women have a natural tendency to nurture the best out of a person, but what if that person is not ready for that vision you see for them? Will you continue to live off a delusion or accept the situation for what it truly is and being honest with yourself? Will you continue to be emotionally, mentally, and spiritually abused?

You see I knew my daughter's father since the age of 18. I did not know or more so realize he was emotionally abusive until the discovery of my pregnancy. The abuse of any form is never okay. Growing up I watched my mother being physically abused for 7 years by her boyfriend and vowed that would never happen to me. Little did I know I was allowing myself to be abused emotionally by him for so many years and I didn't realize it until I was carrying our daughter. I ignored the signs because I wanted to believe he would change in order for us to be together but that never happened. So on the Fall of 2013 we decided to part ways but 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. There were endless days of arguments, verbal disrespect, blaming me for everything, crying myself to sleep and even drinking during my pregnancy while battling if I should I keep my daughter or not because I feared raising my daughter by myself. I was deeply depressed and had irregular eating. I would go through the process of grieving everything I felt I was losing and will lose because of my “mistake”. It was a very rough transition but with support of my Christian family in Boston and Philadelphia I would of never had made it through. God's grace and mercy displayed through His people is what kept me even when I questioned my own faith. God showed me that He still loved me even though I was being rejected by the one I wanted to finally love me.

Most of all we must be careful who we allow to plant in our gardens and plant spiritual, mental, emotional, verbal, and/or physical seeds because having to uproot those weeds is not easy. The Bible says “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life,” (Proverbs 4:23) and this rings to be so true. All intentions of a person comes from a person’s heart and when the heart is damaged it is very hard for it to come back from.

This is just the beginning for me and I am excited about others I may help by sharing my story. Part of my healing is by helping others and sharing my experience, which lessens my fears and shame little by little. I truly believe my experiences, which I take full responsibility for, were truly blessings to empower me and force me to grow. So in all that I have gone through I express gratitude because I am able to see the mercy, grace and glory in it all from start to finish and it’s far from over. After the birth of my daughter I finally pursued a dream I had since 2000 which is to become a Counseling Midwife. On May 7th, the day before Mother's Day I graduated to receive my diploma and this the best gift a mother can ever have; to achieve a huge accomplishment with my daughter watching. Moving forward we will be relocating to Dallas, Texas so I can become a Certified Professional Midwife as I work as a Doula at the North Dallas Doula Associates www.northdallasdoulas.com. Through everything I see God's redemption through everything. He saved. Is saving me. And will continue to save me by His love for me. I am excited about my daughter's and I future. You ready to take on the world Glorious-Zoelle?

My C-Section... and the healing thereafter.

Watching birthing videos, and hearing about all these vaginal births fills me with so much love and hope. However, I can’t help but feel hurt and bitterness towards my cesarean...

April is Cesarean Awareness month, and every motherhood page I follow has been acknowledging C-sections as equal of a birthing experience as natural or vaginal birth. In my head I’m thinking, 'Damn right, they are!'. But, that’s completely opposite of what I feel, and the broken heart for the natural birth I wanted shows. My first born, Elias Foxx, was my fighter babe, delivered via cesarean.

3 weeks and 5 days was how far along I was when I visited the clinic. It was also when I found out my blood type is Rh negative. What? What does that even mean?? So, the Rh factor is a type of protein on the surface of red blood cells. If you have the Rh factor, you are Rh-positive. If you do not have the Rh factor, you are Rh-negative. When you are Rh-negative, you may develop antibodies to an Rh-positive baby. If a small amount of the baby’s blood mixes with your blood, (which often happens), your body may respond as if it were allergic to the baby. Your body may make antibodies to the Rh antigens in the baby’s blood, in which then you become sensitized, and your antibodies can cross the placenta and attack your baby’s blood... resulting in serious illness, brain damage, or even death in the fetus or newborn. Scary thing to first hear as a new mother, right? So schedules for Rhlg (Rhogam) injections throughout my pregnancy were made aside from the usual pokes and pricks.

Around week 16 for blood samples, I learn I am a carrier for fragile-x. What?? Onto lesson number 2... Fragile X syndrome is a genetic condition that causes intellectual disability, behavioral and learning challenges and various physical characteristics. (I will provide links so you can find out more information about being Rh-negative and about fragile X syndrome. Also, I'll have a partial video of my C-section.) Of course, fear is planted.  We get an amniocentesis (the scariest thing aside the cesarean itself), only to find out our baby has all 46 chromosomes, not even a carrier, and a boy. I was tired of feeling like a lab rat and at that point of my pregnancy, all I wanted was a natural birth, the way our womanly bodies were created for. From week 34 through the last 39, there was no change in Elias’ position, and my OBGYN scheduled me for the cesarean.

I couldn’t help but feel helpless, and a sense of guilt, as if I was not good enough and that my body was failing to perform up to it’s God-created potential. I was beginning to enter a dark place. I was angry with myself, feeling undeserving to my child, and I constantly thought my OBGYN just wanted another (c-section) so she could go on with her schedule of other deliveries (mostly cesarean at that hospital as so I’ve discovered). It was towards the end of my pregnancy that I finally sat myself down with my journal and just prayed for peace with having the cesarean, and that if there was the possibility of having a natural, vaginal birth that God would make the way of having that happen.

From the breech positioning to the Rh-negative scares,  and being a carrier for fragile-x, all I wanted in the end was my baby boy in my arms. Unlike other mothers, I did not struggle with gestational diabetes, my uterus was not abnormal, nor was my baby too large to deliver vaginally. During my cesarean, actually, I was having contractions that ended up prolonging the procedure, and his head got stuck in my uterus through the incision! So they had to cut more to get him out. (You'll see where one of the nurses ask my sister to stop filming.) If only I had planned out this pregnancy and found the support I needed. Perhaps I could have had the birth the way I believe women were so divinely created to... But, the cesarean happened... and my son is here alive and well.

Don't get me wrong… I'm more than grateful for the wellbeing of my son.  Nor am I shaming those who choose to have a cesarean out of convenience.  But, the fact my son was not born the way I dreamt, naturally, is still a hard pill to swallow. When my husband and I decide on the time for our family to grow, we will take the initiative to do our research, look for a doctor who is willing to go for a VBAC as long as I am eligible, and that the hospital or birthing center doesn’t have a high cesarean percentage.

For you mothers who look at your scars everyday... I am with you. When you see those beautiful birthing videos and photos or crowning and prolonged umbilical cord cutting... I am with you. When you hear about other mother's water births and how many hours of labor they were in... I am with you. When you think of how you were not the first to hold your baby... I am with you. When the memory of being alone in that OR while your baby was taken off... I am with you. I pray that the voids in our hearts our filled with love, hope, and peace. I pray this will bring unity for the mothers out there with this same hidden hurt that we realize, “Hey, I am still upset about this,  and that’s OK.” 

One day I'll heal,  I'm sure.  But until then, I have every right to mourn over the reoccurring moments of grief not having the birth I wanted for my son. So do you.

http://americanpregnancy.org/pregnancy-complications/rh-factor/

Fragile X Syndrome - National Fragile X Foundation

Pregnancy... On... Fleek

I was born to make babies. I have always loved children and have been actively involved in my nieces and nephews growing up, and currently I help run the children’s ministries at my church. So naturally I feel ultra prepped for having babies/children of my own. 

I have been married to the love of my life for 4 years and he did not feel as ready as I was for babies. But that magical day came, on a warm day in August, my husband said he was ready. I knew I was ovulating, based on the signs that I had learned from “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” I had read the book years ago to prevent pregnancy naturally which worked for me. (Side Note I wish this book was required reading for all women)

That day my husband and I had a glorious, magical, steamy session! It was fantastic! I woke up the next morning and I am not sure if it was the Lord or my sub-conscience but I heard the small voice tell me that I am with child. And sure enough 2 weeks later that little pregnancy test from the dollar store confirmed what I had heard that day. 

Now I am happily 8 months pregnant with just 8 more weeks to go. And just like with so many things in life there really is no way of knowing what pregnancy would be like until you yourself are pregnant. I had heard about all the pain at the end while birthing your baby. But I had not heard about all the aches, pains and annoyances along the way to that special day when I get to meet my little guy. 

It started in the first trimester: 

My boobs! Growing so big (awesome! it’s like a free boob job), but then they hurt so much. Even if my husband would just look at them I would wince at the thought of the pain if he were to actually touch them.

Exhaustion, many days I would get home from work so exhausted! It felt as though I could not sleep enough. 

Mood swings, I could go from happy to depressed on a moments notice. So I decided to stay home and binge watch Netflix rather than socialize and make a fool out of myself.

Cravings, I normally abstain from carbs but now carbs were are all I wanted. Chips and noodles all day, every day. 

Pain, sex was painful the whole first trimester. My hips getting wider hurt. My back hurts. Sleeping on my side is uncomfortable. Bending down is hard. Standing too much hurts my feet. 

Many of these symptoms were only temporary, some have left for good while others have made come backs. 

What helps me feeling my best are the typical things, like eating right and exercising (I love running). And then there are other things: 

Tummy butter which I owe my lack of stretch marks to and refusing to itch helps too. (I wish I had known about the effects of stretch mark prevention creams during my growth spurts in high school!)

Belly support band helps support my back during my workouts and short runs. 

Icon undies help me stay dry and comfortable all day. My birth canal just seems to get more moist everyday as I inch toward delivery, and then there is the fear of peeing my pants from my sweet baby playing with my bladder. I haven’t had an accident like that yet but wearing my icon undies is like having an insurance policy, I am insured that if I do have an accident that only I will know.

It’s the little things in life like not feeling itchy, having less back pain and being dry down there that is helping me get through this season of being awkwardly big and uncomfortable.

I also like to speak positively to my discomforts: 

Thank you leaking boobs, for you will make incredible food for my baby boy. Thank you aching hips for getting wide enough to birth this big baby boy. Thank you discharge for getting amped up to help my baby slip out. And thank you son for kicking and punching to tell me that you are alive and doing well. Mommy loves you so much already.

Natural Childbirth...Why I Went the Non-Medicated Route.

Most mothers-to-be are wired with the same capabilities and innate womb strength to bring life into the world the way our powerful foremothers did. However, natural childbirth is not eagerly embraced by women with low thresholds of pain or an attachment to modern medicine or technology. Some women have no desire for natural childbirth while other women want the entire experience. I was one of those women.

When my husband and I began to research hospitals, we were not happy with their labor and delivery rooms. They seemed too bright, too cold and too busy. So we were both excited and interested as we researched, consulted with and toured our chosen birthing center. 

Soon after, I decided to tell some of our close family and friends about our natural birthing adventure and was met with, “Why would you want to do something like that when you don’t have to?” “Suppose something happens to the baby and there is no doctor around?” The most memorable comment was, “Oh ok… you say that now, wait until that pain kicks in! You’re gonna wish you were in that hospital getting an epidural. “

Nevertheless, we committed, attended classes and monthly exams. Nine months later, my early labor phase gradually turned into active labor. While driving to the birthing center my excited smiles of “it’s time to have a baby” turned into wide-eyed sobering moans. When we arrived at our home away from home, I felt a sense of peace. The center had the comfort level of a bed and breakfast or a cottage. 

Once I changed clothes preparing for delivery, the pain became so intense I panicked and wanted to yell, “I changed my mind, I can’t do this!” It was at that very moment when my midwife walked through the door. She reassured me that everything was going according to plan, and then she walked me through my next steps, reminded me of my breathing techniques and we proceeded. She was just the relief I needed.

About six hours after my transition phase began and what seemed like an eternity trying to push out his head, my son was born into a peaceful environment surrounded by family, a midwife and his parents. We were so grateful that we made the birthing choice that was right for our new family. It was such a beautiful experience, we did it two more times.

Copyright © 2016 by Angela J. Williams