Quarantine, Virtual Learning, and Naps Needed

Parenting during Coronavirus is tough.
Yes, in general, parenting requires a certain amount of grit and a deep-sea diver's navigation. However, I don't believe any of us were prepared for this.

For the past six months, we have been strictly quarantined within our four walls. In some ways, it's been beautiful. Refreshing. Healing. However, we needed a change in scenery. The boys were growing tired of each other's faces. Cali was on fire. The Los Angeles air was unhealthy. We were all tired. Truthfully, since the inception of the COVID-19 + ongoing racial pandemic, my anxiety has been relatively high. Like many, I have been grasping as straws, attempting to make sense and find solace in it all. Our family needed space and room to breathe.

Listen, I don't have all the answers. But what I do know is that taking a moment is needed. Assuming space is necessary. Parenting during a time like this is hard. It's exhausting even. Please know that you have permission to pause. Cry. Laugh—order in. Take a nap. Take care and take space. I see you. We're all out here trying our best. You're doing great. How are you self-caring today?

Retreat, Rest and Return

I took a breath. A much-needed breath. In January, our family experienced a loss, a miscarriage. In March, I found out we were pregnant again. I received this news after birthing our Moms In Color Conference. I was completely unaware that I was pregnant the entire time, of our event. The cherry on top would be that my husband was out of the country, working, virtually the entirety of my first trimester. This left me with caring for myself and our growing babe and caring for our two boys, solo (but not so solo, as Jon was still super involved)  for two and a half months. It was a lot. I had to purposefully, decide that I was important, that I was necessary. 

Resting is necessary. Whether it be resting from screen time to connect deeply with those who matter most, or simply unplugging, the reward will always be life-giving. I learned that by simply resting and taking a moment to reflect, to go inward, to sit in whatever it was that I was feeling, I would always walk away feeling clearer and most centered. 

Creating space for oneself isn't selfish. It's beautiful. Creating boundaries to shape that space is necessary. I knew that in order for me to show up for my two boys and this growing babe, I had to show up for myself. I realized that I would have to take space and that no one was going to simply offer that said space. I would have to take it and water it, with the same care that I water my plants. I knew that if I were to flourish and grow, I would have to create the soil that fostered just that. Truthfully, taking time to pause and to take care, was and is an act of resistance in and of itself. Demanding space within a world that pauses for no one, is an act of beautiful rebellion in its truest form. In fact, some may treat your ability to Selah as an act of treason. Selah, anyway. 

During this rest, I took a break from the blog, returning some emails, text messages, and some DM's. I stepped away from any and all things that felt toxic and/or stagnant, both virtually and in real life. I guarded my eyes, my ears, and my heart.  Then, I returned... I am still returning. 

How are you taking space for yourself today? How are you resting? How are you growing? 

Toya's Self Love Letter

“Nope! Not pregnant, just pizza.”  This is what I said out of earshot of some people I was waving to who hadn't seen me for a while, one of which was looking directly at my stomach. After 14 years away in Nashville, I returned home to New Jersey to gain a hold of my mental health and explore new career opportunities. Apparently that's not all I gained. I also took some time to explore Northeast pizza and my mother's delicious home cooking and thus have gained 20 pounds in three years. I didn't know I could gain 20 pounds because honestly I didn't think I had anywhere to put it! Let’s just say that at 5’2 there really was not that much room for growth in the first place. But here I am; healthier in some ways and not so healthy in others. 

Body image has always been a sensitive subject for me. Just a few years ago the present number on the scale would've been devastating. There's no doubt that I need to reverse the direction on the scale but unlike past decisions to lose weight, my self esteem is in a much better place to do so. So this is my love letter to my new body. 

Dear Toya,

Much like the wrinkles and laugh lines around your eyes that you've recently discovered tell a story, so do these extra 20 pounds you've gained within the past three years. Now don't go making friends with them. But before you say goodbye, let's remember the good times:

1. Those twenty pounds reflect that you have had a job, although sedentary, a job nonetheless where you've learned an awful lot about yourself. You have a better idea of what you want, what you don't want, and what you're capable of. 
2. You've never once gone hungry. In fact, you have most often been fed by the people that have loved you through the most challenging time in your life. 
3. And yes, those twenty pounds are also in some part due to pizza: delicious, east coast, pizza 

Congratulations on finally loving yourself even though you're not perfect. Now do yourself a favor: Don't wait until you are a certain size to celebrate yourself. Get the cute clothes. Find out what looks best on your new body. By all means, buy the cute underwear (in the right size. You're fooling no one). By no means does gaining weight mean that you don't deserve good things. And while we are on the subject, let's talk about what you do deserve: 

You deserve good energy.

You deserve to feel sexy.

You deserve to love yourself enough to say no to yourself when you need to, but not punish yourself if just once in a while you can't resist those peanut butter cups at the checkout line.

You deserve to love your body to health and that's just what you're going to do. 

It's not going to happen overnight because you didn't gain it overnight. But no matter how long it takes, you will love yourself through the process. 

I think getting to this level of self love has been worth the twenty pounds. 

Love (and I truly mean it this time),

Toy

Q&A With Joy Bryant... Loving the Skin You're In

NSPP--What does loving the skin you’re in mean to you?

JB--It means accepting myself- mind, body and soul. It means being comfortable with who I am. Flaws and all.

NSPP--What has proven to be the most important lesson learned thus far?

JB--That I can’t look to the world to validate me. I don’t need the world to tell me anything about myself that I should already know: that I am lovable; that my voice matters; that my ideas make sense and deserve the space to expand.

NSPP--in a world full of patriarchy..How do you fight to own your body?

JB--Being older, married and more secure in who I am, I don’t have the need to cater to the male gaze at large anymore. Only one male’s gaze matters, my husband’s, and even then I’d like to think his gaze is not solely focused on my physical attributes, but what’s going on in my mind and in my heart. 

NSPP--Would your younger self like the person that you are today?

JB--Hell yeah she would! 

Photo Credit: Kristen Cleary

NSPP--What piece of advise would your older self give to your younger self? and Vice Versa.

JB--I would tell her to stop trying to be like everybody else, stop trying to be cool. “Being cool” for the sake of just being cool is so overrated and wack! The coolest people are the ones who are simply themselves no matter what. I would tell her that she’s beautiful as she is.

NSPP--What are your thoughts on the #BlackGirlMagic Movement? Do you believe that its necessary? If so, why? How do you spread #BlackGirlMagic?

JB--Black Girl Magic is a declaration that our beauty, our humanity matters: from the physical to the spiritual, the intellectual and the emotional. Black Girl Magic is our unapologetic presence, our liberation, our gift to the world,our gift to ourselves and each other.

NSPP-If you were abandoned on an island…alone…AND you could only bring 3 items…what would those 3 items be?  

JB--The book, “Women Who Run With The Wolves”, a notebook and a pencil.

Photo Credit: Kristen Cleary

Pregnancy... On... Fleek

I was born to make babies. I have always loved children and have been actively involved in my nieces and nephews growing up, and currently I help run the children’s ministries at my church. So naturally I feel ultra prepped for having babies/children of my own. 

I have been married to the love of my life for 4 years and he did not feel as ready as I was for babies. But that magical day came, on a warm day in August, my husband said he was ready. I knew I was ovulating, based on the signs that I had learned from “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” I had read the book years ago to prevent pregnancy naturally which worked for me. (Side Note I wish this book was required reading for all women)

That day my husband and I had a glorious, magical, steamy session! It was fantastic! I woke up the next morning and I am not sure if it was the Lord or my sub-conscience but I heard the small voice tell me that I am with child. And sure enough 2 weeks later that little pregnancy test from the dollar store confirmed what I had heard that day. 

Now I am happily 8 months pregnant with just 8 more weeks to go. And just like with so many things in life there really is no way of knowing what pregnancy would be like until you yourself are pregnant. I had heard about all the pain at the end while birthing your baby. But I had not heard about all the aches, pains and annoyances along the way to that special day when I get to meet my little guy. 

It started in the first trimester: 

My boobs! Growing so big (awesome! it’s like a free boob job), but then they hurt so much. Even if my husband would just look at them I would wince at the thought of the pain if he were to actually touch them.

Exhaustion, many days I would get home from work so exhausted! It felt as though I could not sleep enough. 

Mood swings, I could go from happy to depressed on a moments notice. So I decided to stay home and binge watch Netflix rather than socialize and make a fool out of myself.

Cravings, I normally abstain from carbs but now carbs were are all I wanted. Chips and noodles all day, every day. 

Pain, sex was painful the whole first trimester. My hips getting wider hurt. My back hurts. Sleeping on my side is uncomfortable. Bending down is hard. Standing too much hurts my feet. 

Many of these symptoms were only temporary, some have left for good while others have made come backs. 

What helps me feeling my best are the typical things, like eating right and exercising (I love running). And then there are other things: 

Tummy butter which I owe my lack of stretch marks to and refusing to itch helps too. (I wish I had known about the effects of stretch mark prevention creams during my growth spurts in high school!)

Belly support band helps support my back during my workouts and short runs. 

Icon undies help me stay dry and comfortable all day. My birth canal just seems to get more moist everyday as I inch toward delivery, and then there is the fear of peeing my pants from my sweet baby playing with my bladder. I haven’t had an accident like that yet but wearing my icon undies is like having an insurance policy, I am insured that if I do have an accident that only I will know.

It’s the little things in life like not feeling itchy, having less back pain and being dry down there that is helping me get through this season of being awkwardly big and uncomfortable.

I also like to speak positively to my discomforts: 

Thank you leaking boobs, for you will make incredible food for my baby boy. Thank you aching hips for getting wide enough to birth this big baby boy. Thank you discharge for getting amped up to help my baby slip out. And thank you son for kicking and punching to tell me that you are alive and doing well. Mommy loves you so much already.