WAP

We hold shame within our bodies.
Do not touch.
Do not look.
Do not feel.
Our relationship to our bodies can be complicated and nuanced, dancing between moments of empowerment and distrust. Where did this originate? How did we get here?

Many have heard Cardi B and Meg the Stallion's new single, WAP. Some have loved it and embraced, while others have exhibited big feelings surrounding black women expressing their sexuality and embracing what pleases them openly. I am here for it, not just because our male counterparts express their sexual desire all the damn time (and often it is laced with misogyny + and toxic masculinity). I am here for it because I am anti shame - Especially when it comes to our bodies.

Our bodies do magical things. Beyond birthing babies, our vaginas, provide moisture to keep ourselves healthy and balanced. Our vaginas even clean themselves. Yep, our vaginas are self-cleaning. When it comes to arousal, the clitoris is much like the penis, as it has a hood and a shaft, expect it has almost double the number of nerve endings as its male counterpart (around 8,000 nerve endings to be exact.) The clit is such a beautiful house of pleasure; only 1/4 exists outside of the body, while 3/4 remains inside.

In the words of my dear friend, Dr. Kameelah Phillips, "Our WAP speaks to us.
The lubrication says, "Hey girl, get your groove on."
The fragrance says, "I'm here! I'm just chillin' and healthy."
The color says, "Hey, your flow is on its way-get ready."

Toya's Self Love Letter

“Nope! Not pregnant, just pizza.”  This is what I said out of earshot of some people I was waving to who hadn't seen me for a while, one of which was looking directly at my stomach. After 14 years away in Nashville, I returned home to New Jersey to gain a hold of my mental health and explore new career opportunities. Apparently that's not all I gained. I also took some time to explore Northeast pizza and my mother's delicious home cooking and thus have gained 20 pounds in three years. I didn't know I could gain 20 pounds because honestly I didn't think I had anywhere to put it! Let’s just say that at 5’2 there really was not that much room for growth in the first place. But here I am; healthier in some ways and not so healthy in others. 

Body image has always been a sensitive subject for me. Just a few years ago the present number on the scale would've been devastating. There's no doubt that I need to reverse the direction on the scale but unlike past decisions to lose weight, my self esteem is in a much better place to do so. So this is my love letter to my new body. 

Dear Toya,

Much like the wrinkles and laugh lines around your eyes that you've recently discovered tell a story, so do these extra 20 pounds you've gained within the past three years. Now don't go making friends with them. But before you say goodbye, let's remember the good times:

1. Those twenty pounds reflect that you have had a job, although sedentary, a job nonetheless where you've learned an awful lot about yourself. You have a better idea of what you want, what you don't want, and what you're capable of. 
2. You've never once gone hungry. In fact, you have most often been fed by the people that have loved you through the most challenging time in your life. 
3. And yes, those twenty pounds are also in some part due to pizza: delicious, east coast, pizza 

Congratulations on finally loving yourself even though you're not perfect. Now do yourself a favor: Don't wait until you are a certain size to celebrate yourself. Get the cute clothes. Find out what looks best on your new body. By all means, buy the cute underwear (in the right size. You're fooling no one). By no means does gaining weight mean that you don't deserve good things. And while we are on the subject, let's talk about what you do deserve: 

You deserve good energy.

You deserve to feel sexy.

You deserve to love yourself enough to say no to yourself when you need to, but not punish yourself if just once in a while you can't resist those peanut butter cups at the checkout line.

You deserve to love your body to health and that's just what you're going to do. 

It's not going to happen overnight because you didn't gain it overnight. But no matter how long it takes, you will love yourself through the process. 

I think getting to this level of self love has been worth the twenty pounds. 

Love (and I truly mean it this time),

Toy

36-24-36

Growing up in the south, I was surrounded by curvy black women. Well... I guess one could say that growing up black,  I was surrounded by curvy black women.  Being lanky, I dreamed about the day that I would get my "grown woman" body. This "grown woman" body would include full hips that I would supposedly get after having children... Thighs that would resemble that of a brick house...and the butt that Sir-Mix-Alot rapped about, way before Kim Kardashian became a household name, The magical "black woman" unicorn that I was supposed to transform into was mysterious and wonderful... It never came.  I remember returning home to visit and being met with the occasional, 'Are you eating?'...'You need to eat  some chicken, and put some meat on those bones'.  These comments were made by family friends and family,.. all meaning well... but totally unaware of the effects of their words. Their words made me feel as if MY body wasn't good enough... woman enough. I would become low key annoyed when I would hear the term, "real women" to describe women with curves. What did that mean for me? Was I not "real" ?   Was I some female, Pinnochio, begging with my maker to craft me into a "real woman" ? 

I remember returning home to my husband and asking if I was too thin? Or should I be more this? Or more of that? Totally, missing that HE loved everything about me, and that perhaps I should begin to do the same. The truth is, the same people who were picking apart my body, were the same people who also picked it apart when I gained "the freshmen 15" many years prior.  I quickly began to realize that the more I allowed people to have a say in the way that I viewed my body, my womanhood,  the more I would begin (and had begun) to lose my power. It was up to me to take it back.

Why am I writing this? The purpose is not to be self deprecating or to lump body image into all that is wrong with the world... or to become one of those people who say "#AllBodiesMatter", because I definitely see the need to celebrate curves in a media driven by skinny airbrushed foolishness and body shaming. Curves Definitely Matter!  This post is simply to say, You never know what your sister is wrestling with when she looks in the mirror. Be aware of your words... be kind. 

ALL of our bodies are beautiful. They are different. They are all perfect in their imperfection.  I may never be shaped like Serena Williams. I may never have a body that is deemed a brick house. Beyonce may never call me to appear in her newest work of art, to simply "look back at it" ..However, my body is mine. Even as a wife and mother...My body is mine.  I embrace every dimple in my average sized booty... every stretch mark in my boyish chocolate frame. MY body is sexy... because I say so. My body is no longer up for discussion... unless I want it to be.