Showing Up

You can do hard things, and when you cant…Rest + try again tomorrow.

There are times to push through and times to take pause. Like many, it can be somewhat hard to determine which is which. Today, I was productive, and I mean productive because I accomplished everything off of “my list.” Truthfully, this weekend started with a long list of both work and personal goals. The list contained everything from book stuff to blog posts to decorating for an upcoming project. At first glance, I felt overwhelmed, wondering if I would be able to pull off half of my to-do’s. Between quarantine and kids running around, coupled with the way, my mind can jump from one thing to the next with the agility of an acrobat. I worried. I worried that either I would become so overwhelmed or distracted by it all. I imagined myself starting fingers to keyboard, writing my first sentence only for it to be interrupted by a young child running full speed into my room or by the idea of instead baking cupcakes. Here are a few ways that felt grounding in my quest to stay on task and accomplish every one of my goals!! 

1. Know thyself. Prolonged doses of extreme concentration have proven to be hard. All-day (with no breaks) on one task is not my jam. The solution? Jon, my Virgo husband, suggested that I work 45 minutes straight and then take 15-minute intervals of rest in between. If by chance 30 minutes was all that I could do, then that was ok too. 

2. Set your intentions. Before I would begin, I would start by listing the top 2-3 things that were imperative to get done. If I were left with additional time or felt energized to do more, I would go for it. 

3. Show grace. We must restructure the meaning of productivity, especially during COVID. We must operate within an overflow of grace toward self. Waking up, taking a shower, caring for those around you and yourself is what’s important! By simply showing up, imperfect, yet present, this is productivity. 

Stillness

A few months ago, I was in Boston for an event. The boys were home with Jon. It was just me. I arrived to my hotel and checkin in. I had nothing to do that particular night, as our event was the next day. As I laid on the hotel bed, speaking to my husband on the phone he said, “why don't you take a bath?” My reply, “And do what?” My husband, “You know, chill… relax… in the water.” I sat there trying to compute his words. ‘Take a bath? And then what?’ My reply, “I can’t.” 

Being still is hard. Period. It always has been. I’ve never been one to sit in a freshly drawn bath. I wish that I could. The lingering question has always been, “What does one do, once in the bath?” Do you sit and think of all the things that you wished you would have done during the day? Do you plan for tomorrow? Do  you take stock of the many items on the never ending to do list? Or do you just simply sit… in the water… and be? How does one just sit? 

`Lately, I have wondering what would happen if I finally embraced the stillness? Perhaps my thoughts would be less rapid. Perhaps my mornings would be more intentional. The older I become the more that I realize that when one gives themselves the gift of stillness, a door is opened. I find that the moments that I am still, I open the door to kindness for self and others. Rushing here and there, never pausing and seldomly reflecting has the ability to birth unnecessary and negative pressure. For what are we racing? Where are we racing too? And why so fast? I truly believe that in our society of stay ready and be ready AND hustle hard, we can miss out on the here and now… losing ourselves in comparisons… neglecting gratitude as if it is a stranger.

So what can we do to embrace the stillness? The quiet? For me, I could perhaps not check my phone at first waking. Perhaps instead, I could allow myself to experience a complete 10-15 minutes of quiet, soaking in the sounds of the birds outside my window. Perhaps, I could read a few pages of my favorite book.  Perhaps I could journal.  I could create a morning ritual, celebrating the stillness of it all. 

What are we so afraid of when it comes to stillness? Are we afraid of what we may feel and/or hear? I for one, can be super uncomfortable with silence. Are we afraid of what may rise to the surface while we allow the stillness to fall? I am challenging myself to allow the silence and stillness to be. I am allowing myself to be ok with it all... for they are both necessary. 

Katie's Selah Moment

For a long time, poetry was my hidden place...exclusively mine. No one allowed in- including my husband. And for a long time, I didn’t write because I was broken. My brokenness suffocated any type of creating. It’s funny because starting this shop forced me to step out from behind my comfortable curtain and learn in a new way that “I am worthy.” I write because words heal and if my words resonate with your heart, I’m so glad my hidden place is no longer exclusively mine. 

“Arrows”

When did you stop living free? 

Where did you feel last alive?

She journeys back to the rubble, 

revisits every splintered piece.

Notices a tied down broken arrow 

hidden beneath a lifeless scene.

She reaches in, to say “thank you,” 

for every directionless year she lost.

Her wandering…

… found truth.

The sun as her compass 

guided her soul.

And where the light settles in 

she is restored!

Courage sings her song 

an arrow soaring free!

-Katie Lyn

My Self Love Letter

As I sit her attempting to write a love letter to myself... attempting to do the very thing that I have asked other women to do, I now see the hesitation in doing so. I see the frustration. I now understand how for most women... for most people...it is easier said than done. Unfortunately, Speaking well of yourself can prove to be quite daunting...To show love to yourself... To extend to ourselves the same portion of grace and second (and sometimes third chances) that we so graciously extend to others can feel impossible... Implementing Self Care in a culture that requires us to give until we are left with nothing is an act of rebellion in and of itself... Embracing that we must first fill ourselves with the oxygen of self love and self worth is the first step in truly loving and caring for those whom we hold so very dear. Only then can we give the love that we so richly possess.  

This is MY self love letter...

Dear Brandi,

You are dope!  For the first time, you are realizing your purpose. For the first time, you are ok with the shifting. Your mom would be proud...I love your eyes... Your laugh lines that frame your mouth. I love your dark skin. I love your fluidity. You can truly make anything work.  You finally realize that you are worthy and have value. You are worthy of the smile that you now possess. You are worthy of the healthy friendships and wonderful women whom you have the honor to call friend... You are worthy of your healthy marriage. You guys put in the work... You are worthy of the beautiful children that you are raising... God knows motherhood isn't always seamless. Its not alway perfect. However, everyday you put on your mama panties and pour all the love and wisdom that you have acquired along the way into those beautiful souls who chose YOU to be their mother... and that's beautiful. Walk through today and everyday knowing that you are worthy of love... You are loved. 

Love always,

Self
 

Toya's Self Love Letter

“Nope! Not pregnant, just pizza.”  This is what I said out of earshot of some people I was waving to who hadn't seen me for a while, one of which was looking directly at my stomach. After 14 years away in Nashville, I returned home to New Jersey to gain a hold of my mental health and explore new career opportunities. Apparently that's not all I gained. I also took some time to explore Northeast pizza and my mother's delicious home cooking and thus have gained 20 pounds in three years. I didn't know I could gain 20 pounds because honestly I didn't think I had anywhere to put it! Let’s just say that at 5’2 there really was not that much room for growth in the first place. But here I am; healthier in some ways and not so healthy in others. 

Body image has always been a sensitive subject for me. Just a few years ago the present number on the scale would've been devastating. There's no doubt that I need to reverse the direction on the scale but unlike past decisions to lose weight, my self esteem is in a much better place to do so. So this is my love letter to my new body. 

Dear Toya,

Much like the wrinkles and laugh lines around your eyes that you've recently discovered tell a story, so do these extra 20 pounds you've gained within the past three years. Now don't go making friends with them. But before you say goodbye, let's remember the good times:

1. Those twenty pounds reflect that you have had a job, although sedentary, a job nonetheless where you've learned an awful lot about yourself. You have a better idea of what you want, what you don't want, and what you're capable of. 
2. You've never once gone hungry. In fact, you have most often been fed by the people that have loved you through the most challenging time in your life. 
3. And yes, those twenty pounds are also in some part due to pizza: delicious, east coast, pizza 

Congratulations on finally loving yourself even though you're not perfect. Now do yourself a favor: Don't wait until you are a certain size to celebrate yourself. Get the cute clothes. Find out what looks best on your new body. By all means, buy the cute underwear (in the right size. You're fooling no one). By no means does gaining weight mean that you don't deserve good things. And while we are on the subject, let's talk about what you do deserve: 

You deserve good energy.

You deserve to feel sexy.

You deserve to love yourself enough to say no to yourself when you need to, but not punish yourself if just once in a while you can't resist those peanut butter cups at the checkout line.

You deserve to love your body to health and that's just what you're going to do. 

It's not going to happen overnight because you didn't gain it overnight. But no matter how long it takes, you will love yourself through the process. 

I think getting to this level of self love has been worth the twenty pounds. 

Love (and I truly mean it this time),

Toy