Rest + Ritual

Moment of honesty... I have never enjoyed napping. In the past, intentionally resting has been hard for me. Don't get me wrong, once in bed; I have never had a hard time falling asleep or sleeping in general. However, intentionally, resting has always been a hard sell. I remember as a young kid feeling as if I was somehow missing out on the fun happening on the other side of my bedroom's closed door. There were still adventures to be had, and I wanted in on it. Truthfully, this FOMO would continue well into adulthood. I would eventually opt into taking a deep dive into the why. Until this point, I had filed this angst against napping into the "well, that's just the way I am" folder. Only recently (thanks to weekly therapy) have discovered that it is not! 

This fear of resting was deeply rooted in need to prove and be approved. I like to call it the hard hustle syndrome. Many parents, Black folks, women, and most marginalized groups feel it, I'm sure. As someone who checks all the above boxes (Black, Woman, Mother, etc.), I would feel this pressure triple the load. It has taken quite the inner work to break away from the internal dialogue and outside pressure. Learning to prioritize one's self-care above all else has required that I unlearn the toxic expectations of powering through. It has required that I understand that my body, mental health, and holistic life matters. Prioritizing rest as an act of beautiful rebellion was all a part of it! To experience self-liberation, I would begin creating a ritual around my rest. Here are few ways in which I did so. 

1. My sleep comfort matters. Upon entering this journey, I would begin looking at my sleeping space, specifically my bed. Was the mattress comfy? How about my pillows? Upon laying down on my bed, did I feel comfortable? For this exploration, I partnered with my friends over at Avocado, an organic sleep brand specializing in organic mattresses and so much more! First, I have always wanted an organic mattress, as they are better for your health and the planet! Avocado is made with GOTS organic certified cotton and wool. GOTS organic certified latex- all sustainably sourced from farms co-owned in India. I've gotten some of the best sleep ever courtesy of my new mattress and plush pillows - all made with natural fibers and non-toxic.

2. Part of my ritual is preparing my bed with soft and inviting bedding. There is nothing like turning down my bed as I prepare to lay down for the night. NOTHING LIKE IT! Avocado offers excellent bedding as well!

3. I prepare my surrounding space as well before bedtime. My water bottle is on my side table. Sometimes, I start my diffuser with my favorite essential oil! I set the mood!

4. Once in bed, take a few deep breaths, reflect on the day, and let it all go with every exhale. Sit your phone outside of your bedroom.

Rest is healing and therapeutic. 

We all thrive best when we have it. 

Rest is our birthright.

Please take it. 

Showing Up

You can do hard things, and when you cant…Rest + try again tomorrow.

There are times to push through and times to take pause. Like many, it can be somewhat hard to determine which is which. Today, I was productive, and I mean productive because I accomplished everything off of “my list.” Truthfully, this weekend started with a long list of both work and personal goals. The list contained everything from book stuff to blog posts to decorating for an upcoming project. At first glance, I felt overwhelmed, wondering if I would be able to pull off half of my to-do’s. Between quarantine and kids running around, coupled with the way, my mind can jump from one thing to the next with the agility of an acrobat. I worried. I worried that either I would become so overwhelmed or distracted by it all. I imagined myself starting fingers to keyboard, writing my first sentence only for it to be interrupted by a young child running full speed into my room or by the idea of instead baking cupcakes. Here are a few ways that felt grounding in my quest to stay on task and accomplish every one of my goals!! 

1. Know thyself. Prolonged doses of extreme concentration have proven to be hard. All-day (with no breaks) on one task is not my jam. The solution? Jon, my Virgo husband, suggested that I work 45 minutes straight and then take 15-minute intervals of rest in between. If by chance 30 minutes was all that I could do, then that was ok too. 

2. Set your intentions. Before I would begin, I would start by listing the top 2-3 things that were imperative to get done. If I were left with additional time or felt energized to do more, I would go for it. 

3. Show grace. We must restructure the meaning of productivity, especially during COVID. We must operate within an overflow of grace toward self. Waking up, taking a shower, caring for those around you and yourself is what’s important! By simply showing up, imperfect, yet present, this is productivity. 

My Self Love Letter

As I sit her attempting to write a love letter to myself... attempting to do the very thing that I have asked other women to do, I now see the hesitation in doing so. I see the frustration. I now understand how for most women... for most people...it is easier said than done. Unfortunately, Speaking well of yourself can prove to be quite daunting...To show love to yourself... To extend to ourselves the same portion of grace and second (and sometimes third chances) that we so graciously extend to others can feel impossible... Implementing Self Care in a culture that requires us to give until we are left with nothing is an act of rebellion in and of itself... Embracing that we must first fill ourselves with the oxygen of self love and self worth is the first step in truly loving and caring for those whom we hold so very dear. Only then can we give the love that we so richly possess.  

This is MY self love letter...

Dear Brandi,

You are dope!  For the first time, you are realizing your purpose. For the first time, you are ok with the shifting. Your mom would be proud...I love your eyes... Your laugh lines that frame your mouth. I love your dark skin. I love your fluidity. You can truly make anything work.  You finally realize that you are worthy and have value. You are worthy of the smile that you now possess. You are worthy of the healthy friendships and wonderful women whom you have the honor to call friend... You are worthy of your healthy marriage. You guys put in the work... You are worthy of the beautiful children that you are raising... God knows motherhood isn't always seamless. Its not alway perfect. However, everyday you put on your mama panties and pour all the love and wisdom that you have acquired along the way into those beautiful souls who chose YOU to be their mother... and that's beautiful. Walk through today and everyday knowing that you are worthy of love... You are loved. 

Love always,

Self
 

Toya's Self Love Letter

“Nope! Not pregnant, just pizza.”  This is what I said out of earshot of some people I was waving to who hadn't seen me for a while, one of which was looking directly at my stomach. After 14 years away in Nashville, I returned home to New Jersey to gain a hold of my mental health and explore new career opportunities. Apparently that's not all I gained. I also took some time to explore Northeast pizza and my mother's delicious home cooking and thus have gained 20 pounds in three years. I didn't know I could gain 20 pounds because honestly I didn't think I had anywhere to put it! Let’s just say that at 5’2 there really was not that much room for growth in the first place. But here I am; healthier in some ways and not so healthy in others. 

Body image has always been a sensitive subject for me. Just a few years ago the present number on the scale would've been devastating. There's no doubt that I need to reverse the direction on the scale but unlike past decisions to lose weight, my self esteem is in a much better place to do so. So this is my love letter to my new body. 

Dear Toya,

Much like the wrinkles and laugh lines around your eyes that you've recently discovered tell a story, so do these extra 20 pounds you've gained within the past three years. Now don't go making friends with them. But before you say goodbye, let's remember the good times:

1. Those twenty pounds reflect that you have had a job, although sedentary, a job nonetheless where you've learned an awful lot about yourself. You have a better idea of what you want, what you don't want, and what you're capable of. 
2. You've never once gone hungry. In fact, you have most often been fed by the people that have loved you through the most challenging time in your life. 
3. And yes, those twenty pounds are also in some part due to pizza: delicious, east coast, pizza 

Congratulations on finally loving yourself even though you're not perfect. Now do yourself a favor: Don't wait until you are a certain size to celebrate yourself. Get the cute clothes. Find out what looks best on your new body. By all means, buy the cute underwear (in the right size. You're fooling no one). By no means does gaining weight mean that you don't deserve good things. And while we are on the subject, let's talk about what you do deserve: 

You deserve good energy.

You deserve to feel sexy.

You deserve to love yourself enough to say no to yourself when you need to, but not punish yourself if just once in a while you can't resist those peanut butter cups at the checkout line.

You deserve to love your body to health and that's just what you're going to do. 

It's not going to happen overnight because you didn't gain it overnight. But no matter how long it takes, you will love yourself through the process. 

I think getting to this level of self love has been worth the twenty pounds. 

Love (and I truly mean it this time),

Toy

Brandee's Self Love Letter

When I was asked to write a love letter to myself, my initial reaction was “Sure, thats easy!”. I quickly found out the opposite. As I sat and thought about what I wanted to say to myself, it got me thinking about how i love in general? Im not that poetic girl who reads Maya Angelou poems and can quote “Phenomenal Woman, Thats Me” at the drop of a dime. I don't watch Super Soul Sundays. Heck, I have trouble writing a deep message on the inside of a birthday card! All that to say, I realized I’m not a “talker” I’m a “do-er"... a woman of action. I may not always have the right words to say, but I can cook you a pot of collard greens to make you feel better. So thats what I’m going to do for my younger self.

I decided to give my 12yr old self a check list of sorts... a way to "do over" if you will, some of my 34yr old selfs mistakes. An almanac... a cheat sheet. I realized that the best way to show myself love is to "Do" or "Do Over".. Here it goes:

Hey Bran, I know its rough being a pre-teen, you just got your period and you have no idea where to put that stick thingy mom gave you. Your wondering when your going to get some “boobies” (they will come). In the meantime, call Dad. I know he's been a mess lately with the drinking but he wont be here for long and your going to regret not talking to him more. Days like your wedding day (yes, your getting married!) and when your son is born (yes, your gonna be a mom too!) and many more times in your life. So please put the hard feelings to the side and just give him a big hug and a kiss (and and extra from me).

A few years later when your in high school, you’re going to have your first heart break. Sorry, but it wont be the last, and if it makes you feel any better they get easier overtime. This first heartbreak however, don't let it rob you of your identity. Keep that virginity you hold so sacred. Don’t give it to him, he’s not worth it! However, you did get a good hair cut after it was all said and done (you tend to cut your hair when major life changes happen). Don’t waste your time stressing and fighting girls at school over his philandering ways. Focus on school and dance team (your going to need it). In general, the first sign a bullsh*t from him RUN!

When you're 25, your dream of a life as a professional dancer will come true! Please enjoy it. You worked so hard to get there. Mom sacrificed a lot for it - driving you back and forth to classes 5 days a week, skipping house bills to buy recital costumes. It will be one of the best times in your life. Don’t stress yourself out thinking about whats next, enjoy the moment. Enjoy your hard work. You're good enough. Don’t cry at night comparing yourself to everyone else. You're where you are for a reason and the reason is YOU! You have so much light and life inside of you, don't let your past disappointments rob you of such an amazing experience. So you were asked to loose 10lbs bc all the other dancers are tall and thin and your short and thick...such ugly words you use to describe yourself! Your not short and thick... your petite and curvy.  AND anyways, in 5 more years, people are going to be buying the curves you have, so just look at it as fashion forward. You can still dance them all to the ground! Love yourself!

Overall Bran, you have it in you to do and be whatever you want! Keep pushing yourself and believing in you when nobody else does. There’s literally nothing that can stop you, and remember I LOVE YOU!

P.S. Avoid dating any guy whose name starts with a C, T, D or R!!!!