Stay HERE. How to stay grounded, present, and peace(Full), this election week....

It's 9:08 PM. I'm sitting on my sofa, and like many, I am feeling anxious. My anxiety has been relatively high. I know that I'm not alone. Like many, the build-up of what may or may not be regarding next week's election feels like a lot. Between navigating the crazy universe that is 2020, a racial pandemic, and dodging the Rona, it all just feels exhausting. 

I hope that Tuesday night will prove to be a victory and a clear signal that our country perhaps (just perhaps) has actively chosen to move in a different direction. I hope that Biden and Kamala win. I do. If anything that the 2016 election has shown, hope is not always guaranteed, especially when it comes to the current administration. So, where does this leave us? How do we reconcile the anxiety? The uncertainty? How do we find a home, let alone a safe space to land, when the world around us has felt so very unsafe? How do we stay present when everything within us would like to jump two places ahead to Tuesday night? Here are a few ways to stay grounded, centered, and, most importantly, peace(Ful), no matter what. 

1. Stay HERE... Stay present. Here is wherever you are. It is the present, not looking back, and for damn sure not looking ahead. I know that we all want to know what's going to happen on Tuesday night. We cannot. However, we can do our part by voting. After you've done everything that you can do to create change, stay HERE.

2. Be gentle on yourself. YOU are not crazy for feeling the massive wave of anxiety that so many are experiencing. The results of the 2016 election triggered quite a bit of PTSD. While our country has never been safe for Black and Brown folks and anyone that has felt the sting of being other(ed), the 2016 election proved to be the manifestation of our country’s insidious undertone. The stress of it all, feels heavy. Be gentle. Take space. Take care.

3. Take it one moment at a time. One breath at a time. One nap at a time. One yummy meal at a time. Again, stay HERE.

4. Nourish yourself. Eat a good meal.

5. We are stronger than we think. We, humans, are resilient folks. I spoke to a dear friend of mine the other day, reminding her of the ancestry that came before. We come from folks who have experienced so much more, with far less. Their blood flows through our veins. We will get through this.

6. Rest. You have permission to rest.

7. Ask for help—your mental health matters. I love Better Help. I also love Therapy For Black Girls as a resource.

8. Lastly, breathe. Keep breathing. 

Sending us all love,

Brandi

Showing Up

You can do hard things, and when you cant…Rest + try again tomorrow.

There are times to push through and times to take pause. Like many, it can be somewhat hard to determine which is which. Today, I was productive, and I mean productive because I accomplished everything off of “my list.” Truthfully, this weekend started with a long list of both work and personal goals. The list contained everything from book stuff to blog posts to decorating for an upcoming project. At first glance, I felt overwhelmed, wondering if I would be able to pull off half of my to-do’s. Between quarantine and kids running around, coupled with the way, my mind can jump from one thing to the next with the agility of an acrobat. I worried. I worried that either I would become so overwhelmed or distracted by it all. I imagined myself starting fingers to keyboard, writing my first sentence only for it to be interrupted by a young child running full speed into my room or by the idea of instead baking cupcakes. Here are a few ways that felt grounding in my quest to stay on task and accomplish every one of my goals!! 

1. Know thyself. Prolonged doses of extreme concentration have proven to be hard. All-day (with no breaks) on one task is not my jam. The solution? Jon, my Virgo husband, suggested that I work 45 minutes straight and then take 15-minute intervals of rest in between. If by chance 30 minutes was all that I could do, then that was ok too. 

2. Set your intentions. Before I would begin, I would start by listing the top 2-3 things that were imperative to get done. If I were left with additional time or felt energized to do more, I would go for it. 

3. Show grace. We must restructure the meaning of productivity, especially during COVID. We must operate within an overflow of grace toward self. Waking up, taking a shower, caring for those around you and yourself is what’s important! By simply showing up, imperfect, yet present, this is productivity. 

WAP

We hold shame within our bodies.
Do not touch.
Do not look.
Do not feel.
Our relationship to our bodies can be complicated and nuanced, dancing between moments of empowerment and distrust. Where did this originate? How did we get here?

Many have heard Cardi B and Meg the Stallion's new single, WAP. Some have loved it and embraced, while others have exhibited big feelings surrounding black women expressing their sexuality and embracing what pleases them openly. I am here for it, not just because our male counterparts express their sexual desire all the damn time (and often it is laced with misogyny + and toxic masculinity). I am here for it because I am anti shame - Especially when it comes to our bodies.

Our bodies do magical things. Beyond birthing babies, our vaginas, provide moisture to keep ourselves healthy and balanced. Our vaginas even clean themselves. Yep, our vaginas are self-cleaning. When it comes to arousal, the clitoris is much like the penis, as it has a hood and a shaft, expect it has almost double the number of nerve endings as its male counterpart (around 8,000 nerve endings to be exact.) The clit is such a beautiful house of pleasure; only 1/4 exists outside of the body, while 3/4 remains inside.

In the words of my dear friend, Dr. Kameelah Phillips, "Our WAP speaks to us.
The lubrication says, "Hey girl, get your groove on."
The fragrance says, "I'm here! I'm just chillin' and healthy."
The color says, "Hey, your flow is on its way-get ready."

Happy. New. Year.

It's New Year's Day. This, of course, means that resolutions are made. Vision boards are created. Plans are put into motion. Beautiful intentions are set. I think that we can all agree that the celebration of the New Year, carries great expectation. I believe that while we cast our net wide and deep, self-care must be in the forefront. What does self-care look like in the New Year? 

For me, self-care looks like temporarily escaping and going plant shopping. I know, pretty simple. I love plants. I connect with them. They make me happy. For me, there is nothing quite as peaceful as walking through a beautiful nursery of greenery. I count it a privelege to witness how plants reach toward the sun, grabbing every pinch of light it can possibly hold. Its worship at its finest. Its beauty at its finest. 

Self-care looks dry brushing and exfoliating away the yuck of yesterday. I love applying an amazon clay mask w/ turmeric and then using my favorite plant medicine (essential oils). As I sit on my sofa, allowing my mask to dry, I sip on my Holy Wellness Tea by Honey and Sage Co. I enjoy burning Palo Santo while Ella plays in the background... Self Care looks like lounging on my sofa while my skin soaks up every ounce of lavender oil applied post-shower. 

Self-care looks like not looking at your phone for an hour in the morning. This was one of the many things that I implemented during my 30 days of creating ritual. There is something beautiful about sitting with yourself before taking on the rest of the world, and its news. 

Self Care looks like taking a dance class. This year, I co-facilitated an event that centered around self-love. We wrote love letters to ourselves. We cried. We danced. We reconnected with our bodies. 

Self-care looks like intentionally preparing a meal. I believe that I deserve good food. I believe that I deserve a good meal that is filled with love. Sometimes, when I have a quiet moment to myself at the house, I will go into my kitchen and prepare myself a meal fit for a queen. Because I am a queen. 

Lastly, self-care looks like gratitude. I am so very grateful. Today marks two years in which I pressed the publish button to #NotSoPrivateParts. I remember being frightened by such vulnerability. Creating this platform, has produced so much freedom. For this, I show gratitude. How will you self-care in the New Year? 

My Vacation Teacher...

Vacations are good. Vacations are necessary. And repeat… This was my mantra leading up to our trip. For the first time in ten years, Jon and I would embark on an adult’s only get away to New York. It actually worked out quite perfectly. Jon was playing Afro Punk (which I was BEYOND excited about.) I was going to be doing a shoot for a brand that I held near and dear to my heart. Babysitters were in place. Needless to say, it was going to be fun. I was super excited. Leading up to our trip, (and during) I would learn some amazing things about myself. Perhaps these were things that I’ve always known. However, these nostalgic discoveries were so very evident. Here are three things that I learned during our great adventure…

I learned that I deserve good things. Before our big trip, my anxiety was on fleek!! I was afraid that at any given moment, one of our kids would catch a cold, and I wouldn't be able to go. (Please note: My kiddos are never sick.) The thought of the brand that I would be working with, canceling for unforeseen reasons, (although they have never cancelled) crossed my mind. The thought of my daredevil of a kid, Jedi... breaking an arm during one of his acrobatic stunts crossed my mind. I even imagined Afro Punk canceling due to unforeseen weather. I know… It was crazy. Anxiety made its grand appearance. Truthfully, the thoughts continued until we boarded the plane. Why were these thoughts so prevalent? Why did I feel like our beautiful four day plan would fall through at any moment? The answer was so very evident… I wasn't aware that I deserved good things. As someone who has dealt with both childhood and adult trauma, one can begin to second guess when good things happen. You begin questioning IF something/ someone/ some experiences are really as amazing as they seem. I for one, if not careful, can pick things apart to its bare bones... carefully examining the gift that has been given to me... as if it is a mysterious package left by a stranger similar to the film, “The Box.” When healing from trauma, it is very easy to doubt every good thing that comes your way, as opposed to simply embracing it. After all, the pain experienced is so very real, one’s guard is hard to let down. However, it is so very imperative that at some point, the healing begins and the exhale takes place. At some point, the folded arms that guard our wounds, must open to receive the good that so desperately would like to enter our world. Although, I can never take away the traumatic events in my life, I can still decide to embrace the beauty and wonder this world has to offer. For God sake... I deserve it!! On my trip, I prompted myself to say thank you and receive… arms open… heart open.

I learned that I am super resourceful and quick on my feet. Upon arriving in NY, my tummy began feeling upset. Perhaps it was nerves or lack of sleep on the plane. Who knows. We landed around 9am in NY. Before heading to baggage claim, I went to the restroom and freshened up a bit, and Jon and I headed out on our first adventure. First stop... my photo shoot. As our Lyft driver drops us off, my stomach by this point feels really bubbly and weird. I try my best to think nothing of it. We finally arrive in the city. As we're waiting outside of the loft, one of the shoot's coordinators comes down to meet & escort us to where we should go. Not a second after we greet each other, I do the unthinkable… I “sharted!!.” Yes. You read it right. I shart myself. For those of you who have no idea what that means, it means that I simeoultaenously farted and crapped my pants.  Yep. Thank God, no one heard it. Thank God, It wasn't a huge “shart”. However, what is really a reasonable sized “shart”? Its all horrible. Its all incredibly humbling. What do I do next? I walk up the FIVE flights of stairs to the loft where we are shooting and I immediately ask for their bathroom... just citing that I need to freshen up... remaining as calm as possible.  Needless, to say, my tummy is obviously upset!! (Please note: “Shart(ing) is not something that I incorporate into my everyday life.) Once I get into the bathroom, I freeze. In this particular bathroom there is no sink, just a toilet. I panic. I look through my bag and I notice that I have a water bottle and baby wipes. So... what did I do?... I did what every dope woman who sharts her pants would do. I channel my inner McGuiver and begin to give myself a bath with my freshly opened bottle of Dasani, which I had confiscated it from the plane...  and baby wipes. I literally began squatting over the toilet pouring water all over my nether regions and wiping as if my life depended on it. Because it did!!! I am convinced I couldn't have bathed myself any better had I been in an an actual shower. Soon after, I got dressed...  walked out of the bathroom with a Mentos smile on my face without anyone suspecting a thing. After modeling underwear for the next 7 hours, I left the shoot, giving myself a much deserved pat on the back... and the rear. 

Lastly, I learned that Jon and I needed a vacation more than ever. We needed time to connect with ourselves…. just us. No distractions. We found ourselves wondering around the big apple, with no particular place to be. It was wonderful. We stayed up late. We woke up late on days that we didn't have to work. We made love on the table (because we could). We did exactly what we wanted to do, when we wanted to do it, AND where we wanted to do it (pun totally intended). I remembered WHY I chose him so very long ago. I remembered why he has been my best friend for all these years. WE remembered why every day, we choose each other. We ate vegan churros at fun vegan diners. This moment reminded me of when he and I were dating... staying up to the wee hours, eating greasy Waffle House diner food, and just knowing that perhaps this thing that we were feeling was not only mutual, but real. This trip served as a beautiful reminder. It was necessary. It was beautiful. It was a teacher. For this I am forever grateful.