Brandee's Self Love Letter

When I was asked to write a love letter to myself, my initial reaction was “Sure, thats easy!”. I quickly found out the opposite. As I sat and thought about what I wanted to say to myself, it got me thinking about how i love in general? Im not that poetic girl who reads Maya Angelou poems and can quote “Phenomenal Woman, Thats Me” at the drop of a dime. I don't watch Super Soul Sundays. Heck, I have trouble writing a deep message on the inside of a birthday card! All that to say, I realized I’m not a “talker” I’m a “do-er"... a woman of action. I may not always have the right words to say, but I can cook you a pot of collard greens to make you feel better. So thats what I’m going to do for my younger self.

I decided to give my 12yr old self a check list of sorts... a way to "do over" if you will, some of my 34yr old selfs mistakes. An almanac... a cheat sheet. I realized that the best way to show myself love is to "Do" or "Do Over".. Here it goes:

Hey Bran, I know its rough being a pre-teen, you just got your period and you have no idea where to put that stick thingy mom gave you. Your wondering when your going to get some “boobies” (they will come). In the meantime, call Dad. I know he's been a mess lately with the drinking but he wont be here for long and your going to regret not talking to him more. Days like your wedding day (yes, your getting married!) and when your son is born (yes, your gonna be a mom too!) and many more times in your life. So please put the hard feelings to the side and just give him a big hug and a kiss (and and extra from me).

A few years later when your in high school, you’re going to have your first heart break. Sorry, but it wont be the last, and if it makes you feel any better they get easier overtime. This first heartbreak however, don't let it rob you of your identity. Keep that virginity you hold so sacred. Don’t give it to him, he’s not worth it! However, you did get a good hair cut after it was all said and done (you tend to cut your hair when major life changes happen). Don’t waste your time stressing and fighting girls at school over his philandering ways. Focus on school and dance team (your going to need it). In general, the first sign a bullsh*t from him RUN!

When you're 25, your dream of a life as a professional dancer will come true! Please enjoy it. You worked so hard to get there. Mom sacrificed a lot for it - driving you back and forth to classes 5 days a week, skipping house bills to buy recital costumes. It will be one of the best times in your life. Don’t stress yourself out thinking about whats next, enjoy the moment. Enjoy your hard work. You're good enough. Don’t cry at night comparing yourself to everyone else. You're where you are for a reason and the reason is YOU! You have so much light and life inside of you, don't let your past disappointments rob you of such an amazing experience. So you were asked to loose 10lbs bc all the other dancers are tall and thin and your short and thick...such ugly words you use to describe yourself! Your not short and thick... your petite and curvy.  AND anyways, in 5 more years, people are going to be buying the curves you have, so just look at it as fashion forward. You can still dance them all to the ground! Love yourself!

Overall Bran, you have it in you to do and be whatever you want! Keep pushing yourself and believing in you when nobody else does. There’s literally nothing that can stop you, and remember I LOVE YOU!

P.S. Avoid dating any guy whose name starts with a C, T, D or R!!!! 

Shame Shame Go Away

Shame should really go away... I mean shame is like the Urkel (season 1) of emotions projected. It's annoying... It doesn't seem to have purpose... And it stays way longer than necessary.. 

I absolutely hate when I hear stories of shaming within the motherhood community. Do you breastfeed? Do you bottle feed? Do your kids wear cloth diapers? Or do they wear God forbid mainstream diapers? Wooden Blocks? Plastic Toys? It can all be a lot. With that being said, I have compiled a few ways we can all be the change we would like to see in the world of mamahood... Here are some tips on checking yourself before your wreck yourself and fall into the cycle of shaming. Please ask yourself the following:

1.) Is it helpful? We all have opinions... Sometimes we like to share them. We all have facts... We like to share those too... But is it helpful? Is it beneficial? 

2.) What's my motive? Am I giving my opinion/ fact because I truly want to help OR Is there possibly a hidden motive? Am I sharing to truly help? Or to tear down? Check that! 

3.) Is it necessary? Will this build up my sister? Excluding the special circumstances where a child is seriously in danger, most moms are truly doing the best that we know how... In that moment. Before jumping in, ask yourself, 'Is this necessary?'  We all have different parenting methods. And that's ok. Different doesn't mean bad. Bad means bad... AND we are all competent adults to know when we truly see "bad" parenting... In those cases SPEAK UP. Otherwise, if it doesn't fall into that category ... Sit back and take notes. Perhaps there is something that can be learned... 

In Honor of National Donut Day... 5 Things That Make Life Sweet

1. Family..
Family is everything. It looks different for everyone. It feels different. After my mother passed away, I found myself clinging to my immediate family. My husband... My children. They kept me grounded. Flooding me with love and support. 

2.Friends you can trust/ your village
There is nothing like a good friend. I don't take friendship lightly. Living in Los Angeles, without blood relatives is quite the task. There is no such thing as "to Grandmother's house we go". When we had our second kiddo, I was overwhelmed by the love and support from our village. I had such beautiful spirits surrounding me with love... Pushing me onward... Holding my hand... 

3. Good food
I love food!! Good food. Food that nourishes and pays honor to our magnificent bodies. I truly believe we are what we eat... Eat well.

4. Health/ peace of mind.. 
Being in good health and peace of mind is golden. I am a firm believe that we have one body, and it is beyond important to honor, cherish it, and thank it for serving us well. There are so many people who are suffering. Their bodies are failing. It is so important to be great-FULL.. Health and wellness is a gift.. Peace is a gift. 

5. Home
Home is not only where the heart is... It is where peace resides. Home is our sanctuary.  At home we are nourished.. Bathed in love..accepted... We guard our home as if it is our hearts... Because it is so very close to it.

 

WOMANhood

Growing up, I was never classified as the “girly” type. I preferred wearing uniform shorts and old T shirts over frilly, cute dresses that my mom would try to put me in. I enjoyed wearing my green converse shoes over the latest barbie shoe style. I played sports with the boys on the playground instead of picking daisies in the field with the girls. Most of my friends were and always have been guys over girls. I did not care about make up or trying to be feminine looking until I got to college and realized with the help of a few volleyball teammates that there was a whole world of beauty that I had never discovered. 

Some of these things have also transcended into my adult life. I prefer a nice, cold beer over a fancy and expensive wine. I would rather watch a football game than go and get my nails done. I’m not afraid to wear a boyfriend blazer and all black and be stereotyped as “lesbian” when I am very much into men. I have a deep and raspier voice and singing voice that will never be dainty and Celine Dion no matter how hard I try. 

All of these characteristics have helped me come to a deeper revelation of what it really means to be a woman. “Woman” is not defined by preferences but is defined by a role that was chosen for you before you ever existed.  When did society start creating gender roles and their preferences? Why can’t my favorite color be blue without it being seen as a boyish trait? Why can’t I enjoy beer without it looking like I am trying to be “one of the guys”? When did this all happen? 

I will never forget a moment when I was in the sixth grade that a girl in my class looked at me and said, “You’re ugly and your best friend is pretty. You would be better looking if you were a boy.” Although I was too strong headed to let it bother me in that moment, it is still something that made me question why I was ever born a girl. Why did I prefer these “masculine” things over what I was supposed to enjoy? Why did I want to rip my dolls heads off instead of brush their hair? Why did boys like being my friend over girls being my friend? WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?

In life, we all have defining moments. A defining moment for me was when I was in my first college english class. My teacher was a wonderful woman who brought light to so many issues that I had never thought about. She had a similar background as me in that she was raised in a very religious home, private school, strict but loving parents, preferred guy friends over girl friends, and was perfectly content walking in to teach her class with no make up and the outfit of her choice that day. During one of her classes, she was teaching on the subject of gender roles. She made the statement, “There is nothing wrong with tending towards masculine qualities as a woman. The key to embracing your womanhood is finding other women who are on the same vein because let me tell you, there are MANY of us out there who need to find MANY more like us to stand together. It’s our job to create roles and stop letting society tell us there is something wrong with preferences because of our gender.” She inspired me to see people for their characteristics and not their preferences. In turn, she inspired me to see myself for my characteristics instead of my personal preferences. 

Thankfully, I have been privileged enough to meet many amazing women that I consider my closest friends who have experienced similar childhoods and have broken many stereotypes with me. No matter your preferences as a woman, you are WOMAN. You are unique and wonderful and carry something that no one else does. Whether you enjoy the color pink or your favorite color is black, you are just as beautiful and graceful and WOMAN.