My Self Love Letter

As I sit her attempting to write a love letter to myself... attempting to do the very thing that I have asked other women to do, I now see the hesitation in doing so. I see the frustration. I now understand how for most women... for most people...it is easier said than done. Unfortunately, Speaking well of yourself can prove to be quite daunting...To show love to yourself... To extend to ourselves the same portion of grace and second (and sometimes third chances) that we so graciously extend to others can feel impossible... Implementing Self Care in a culture that requires us to give until we are left with nothing is an act of rebellion in and of itself... Embracing that we must first fill ourselves with the oxygen of self love and self worth is the first step in truly loving and caring for those whom we hold so very dear. Only then can we give the love that we so richly possess.  

This is MY self love letter...

Dear Brandi,

You are dope!  For the first time, you are realizing your purpose. For the first time, you are ok with the shifting. Your mom would be proud...I love your eyes... Your laugh lines that frame your mouth. I love your dark skin. I love your fluidity. You can truly make anything work.  You finally realize that you are worthy and have value. You are worthy of the smile that you now possess. You are worthy of the healthy friendships and wonderful women whom you have the honor to call friend... You are worthy of your healthy marriage. You guys put in the work... You are worthy of the beautiful children that you are raising... God knows motherhood isn't always seamless. Its not alway perfect. However, everyday you put on your mama panties and pour all the love and wisdom that you have acquired along the way into those beautiful souls who chose YOU to be their mother... and that's beautiful. Walk through today and everyday knowing that you are worthy of love... You are loved. 

Love always,

Self
 

NetFlix and Chill(s)?

Heart shaped boxes, cheap chocolate, and plush teddy bears lining your local drug store. ..Valentine's Day is that time of year where lovers young and old profess their love and appreciation for one another. Dinner reservations are made, babysitters are booked weeks in advance, and couples who have not had sex in months, finally make the time to cue Marvin Gaye, and get it on. However, THIS Valentine's Day has proven to be quite different for the hubby and I. But first, lets rewind..

My husband I have now been married for 10 years, together for 14. That means..We have now celebrated 14 Valentine's Days. Every year, we have made time to go out, grab some dinner, look deeply into each other's eyes and reflect. Yes, we have been THAT couple. Around this time last year, I was three months pregnant, nauseas, and exhausted due to a tiny human making his home in my uterus. Our V-Day last year? We got a sitter for our oldest, and went to our favorite Indian Restaurant and celebrated another year and our soon to be new addition..Good enough. Years prior more than likely may have been more elaborate and perhaps a bit more sexy. But hey, it worked for us..

Fast forward one year and an extra kiddo later, and here we are. Saturday night..Valentine's Eve..the oldest kiddo has a fever..the youngest, just getting over his first cold..And the hubby and I..well, we are still adjusting. This year, our Valentine's festivities included convincing a nine year old to drink his fresh pressed orange and turmeric juice and rest, all while entertaining an energetic teething six month old..Real hot..I know.

So where did these unforeseen/ foreseen events leave us on this lover's holiday?  It left two exhausted parental units on the sofa, watching endless amount of 'Making a Murderer' while scoffing down vegan donuts(courtesy of the Mother In-Law)..Was I ok with this? Is this how I imagined this Valentine's Day #14 to be? Yes and of course not. Am I thankful? Absolutely. I have the privilege to share my life with someone who I not only love, but I like. And Isn't that what all this V-Day hoopla is about? So THIS Valentine's weekend, as we stared longingly into each other's sleep deprived eyes, I remained thankful for progression, change, and the shifting that causes us all to proceed forward in love. Here's to all the lovers..I pray your Day is filled with the love you so deeply deserve. As for us..NetFlix and Chill? More like Netflix.....and more NetFlix.

Toya's Self Love Letter

“Nope! Not pregnant, just pizza.”  This is what I said out of earshot of some people I was waving to who hadn't seen me for a while, one of which was looking directly at my stomach. After 14 years away in Nashville, I returned home to New Jersey to gain a hold of my mental health and explore new career opportunities. Apparently that's not all I gained. I also took some time to explore Northeast pizza and my mother's delicious home cooking and thus have gained 20 pounds in three years. I didn't know I could gain 20 pounds because honestly I didn't think I had anywhere to put it! Let’s just say that at 5’2 there really was not that much room for growth in the first place. But here I am; healthier in some ways and not so healthy in others. 

Body image has always been a sensitive subject for me. Just a few years ago the present number on the scale would've been devastating. There's no doubt that I need to reverse the direction on the scale but unlike past decisions to lose weight, my self esteem is in a much better place to do so. So this is my love letter to my new body. 

Dear Toya,

Much like the wrinkles and laugh lines around your eyes that you've recently discovered tell a story, so do these extra 20 pounds you've gained within the past three years. Now don't go making friends with them. But before you say goodbye, let's remember the good times:

1. Those twenty pounds reflect that you have had a job, although sedentary, a job nonetheless where you've learned an awful lot about yourself. You have a better idea of what you want, what you don't want, and what you're capable of. 
2. You've never once gone hungry. In fact, you have most often been fed by the people that have loved you through the most challenging time in your life. 
3. And yes, those twenty pounds are also in some part due to pizza: delicious, east coast, pizza 

Congratulations on finally loving yourself even though you're not perfect. Now do yourself a favor: Don't wait until you are a certain size to celebrate yourself. Get the cute clothes. Find out what looks best on your new body. By all means, buy the cute underwear (in the right size. You're fooling no one). By no means does gaining weight mean that you don't deserve good things. And while we are on the subject, let's talk about what you do deserve: 

You deserve good energy.

You deserve to feel sexy.

You deserve to love yourself enough to say no to yourself when you need to, but not punish yourself if just once in a while you can't resist those peanut butter cups at the checkout line.

You deserve to love your body to health and that's just what you're going to do. 

It's not going to happen overnight because you didn't gain it overnight. But no matter how long it takes, you will love yourself through the process. 

I think getting to this level of self love has been worth the twenty pounds. 

Love (and I truly mean it this time),

Toy

Brandee's Self Love Letter

When I was asked to write a love letter to myself, my initial reaction was “Sure, thats easy!”. I quickly found out the opposite. As I sat and thought about what I wanted to say to myself, it got me thinking about how i love in general? Im not that poetic girl who reads Maya Angelou poems and can quote “Phenomenal Woman, Thats Me” at the drop of a dime. I don't watch Super Soul Sundays. Heck, I have trouble writing a deep message on the inside of a birthday card! All that to say, I realized I’m not a “talker” I’m a “do-er"... a woman of action. I may not always have the right words to say, but I can cook you a pot of collard greens to make you feel better. So thats what I’m going to do for my younger self.

I decided to give my 12yr old self a check list of sorts... a way to "do over" if you will, some of my 34yr old selfs mistakes. An almanac... a cheat sheet. I realized that the best way to show myself love is to "Do" or "Do Over".. Here it goes:

Hey Bran, I know its rough being a pre-teen, you just got your period and you have no idea where to put that stick thingy mom gave you. Your wondering when your going to get some “boobies” (they will come). In the meantime, call Dad. I know he's been a mess lately with the drinking but he wont be here for long and your going to regret not talking to him more. Days like your wedding day (yes, your getting married!) and when your son is born (yes, your gonna be a mom too!) and many more times in your life. So please put the hard feelings to the side and just give him a big hug and a kiss (and and extra from me).

A few years later when your in high school, you’re going to have your first heart break. Sorry, but it wont be the last, and if it makes you feel any better they get easier overtime. This first heartbreak however, don't let it rob you of your identity. Keep that virginity you hold so sacred. Don’t give it to him, he’s not worth it! However, you did get a good hair cut after it was all said and done (you tend to cut your hair when major life changes happen). Don’t waste your time stressing and fighting girls at school over his philandering ways. Focus on school and dance team (your going to need it). In general, the first sign a bullsh*t from him RUN!

When you're 25, your dream of a life as a professional dancer will come true! Please enjoy it. You worked so hard to get there. Mom sacrificed a lot for it - driving you back and forth to classes 5 days a week, skipping house bills to buy recital costumes. It will be one of the best times in your life. Don’t stress yourself out thinking about whats next, enjoy the moment. Enjoy your hard work. You're good enough. Don’t cry at night comparing yourself to everyone else. You're where you are for a reason and the reason is YOU! You have so much light and life inside of you, don't let your past disappointments rob you of such an amazing experience. So you were asked to loose 10lbs bc all the other dancers are tall and thin and your short and thick...such ugly words you use to describe yourself! Your not short and thick... your petite and curvy.  AND anyways, in 5 more years, people are going to be buying the curves you have, so just look at it as fashion forward. You can still dance them all to the ground! Love yourself!

Overall Bran, you have it in you to do and be whatever you want! Keep pushing yourself and believing in you when nobody else does. There’s literally nothing that can stop you, and remember I LOVE YOU!

P.S. Avoid dating any guy whose name starts with a C, T, D or R!!!! 

Why I March... AND why I almost Didn't

... because women's rights are important... because I want my boys to not only see, but experience strong women using their voices to fight injustice. Like many, this election-cycle has triggered many emotions for me. The outcome has triggered anger, sadness, and empowerment. I march because I am a woman who takes great pride in knowing that raising young men to respect women is not only a necessity but should be the norm. These are all the reasons why I march. However, I almost did not.  

The outpouring of women banning together to march and protest has made me so proud to be a woman... yet somehow, the feeling is bittersweet. I began to ponder the question of "why has it taken this particular election to produce this level of solidarity?" Should not the countless crimes against people of color from last year alone, have triggered a similar onslaught of concern & "being woke" that is now being demonstrated? Truthfully, many people of color have been in a rage before now. Many of us have already been afraid. James Baldwin said it best, "To be black and conscious in America is to be in a constant rage." The Women's March, although necessary, feels bittersweet because it echoes a sad societal truth that Black Lives only matter when White Lives do. And that's unfortunate.

The morning after the election, I was in my car, and I saw two white women hugging, consoling each other. I came to understand that they were discussing the outcome of the election. They had tears in their eyes. They were grieving… heartbroken. However, if I have to be honest, seeing these women grieving this openly, saddened me. It saddened me to realize that I hadn't witnessed this level of grief over the atrocities that had occurred during the killings of numerous unarmed men and women of color in past years. It would have been nice to see these same white women hugging and consoling each other following the murders of Sandra Bland or Korryn Gains. People of color have been saying that this country has work to do, and it seems that up until now, our cries have seemingly gone unheard. I’ve said it before, Trump didn’t happen over night. While the outcome of this election may have come as a shock to many,  it definitely has not for most people of color. It’s not that surprising that this country has yet to heal from its racist past. Truthfully, when white women approach me with their mouth a gasp in shock, wondering how Trump is now our President elect, my initial response: “the same way a police officer can murder a twelve year old black boy and not see jail time.”  

Dear white women… welcome to the party.. A couple of months back, my youngest son and I were coming out of the grocery store, and this white woman approached us and began telling us how much she just loved “us”… how she just loved our skin and so on and so forth. She then, went into this monologue of “oppression” and how black men have to fight the oppressor. It was really overwhelming. After a couple of minutes of her educating me on the state of my people, she bid me farewell, and I was left overloaded and exhausted. Here I was just trying to be a care free black girl, shopping for kale, and suddenly, I was bombarded by this overzealous character and her need to educate me. What’s my problem with her approach? I had a few. 

For example, the same amount of effort she was using to prove her “wokeness,” should've been put into educating people who look like her. Why preach to the choir? Hopefully, the same speech that she so passionately needed to orate in the Whole Foods parking lot, will be echoed to her family members or friends that may really need to hear it. Talking to people of color about the horridness of this election is pretty pointless and counterproductive to true change. If you're not ready OR willing to have those difficult conversations with your family members and friends who voted for Trump, please spare me your performance. If you're not willing to use your privilege OR whatever platform that you may have to engage in these difficult conversations, your privilege and platform is void of value. I’m sure that the woman who stopped me in the grocery store parking lot meant well. However, that conversation wasn't for me. 

Lastly, as crazy as it is that Donald J. Trump will be sworn in as our 45th President today, I remain hopeful that today will mark a new era of awareness of others. The veil has been pulled away for many. My hope is that this march will trigger a love for each other that has never been exhibited in years prior.  My hope is that we will begin to truly care for one another... that we will weep with those who weep and truly mourn with those who mourn, even when it doesn't affect us personally. My hope is that we will listen and protest and march with those who may not share the same skin, knowing that if it hurts one, it will eventually trickle down and hurt us all.  Marching is necessary. Great change has happened because people have marched. My hope is that this passion for change and awareness of others will not end with the Women's March, and that our anger whether newly acquired or carried as long as we can remember, will not burn out, but will ignite a passion and a tangible shift for future generations...Tis true, the outrage, anger and passion for change that many are feeling today simply echoes what people of color have felt all along. This country has much work to do. Perhaps the march is the beginning of that work...